The Met Office is taking its own advice by planning ahead for extreme weather.
It has issued a severe weather warning for the UK running from April to September next year.

I like my tea nice and strong. Not for any other reason than I find it highly amusing asking for a double bagger at work.

A Jew, a black man and an alcoholic walk into a bar.
The bar tender says, "What's this... a joke?"
When he was beaten up and mugged he realised that it wasn't a joke, it was a typical night out in Newcastle.

Where do rudeboys keep their money?
Safe, innit

I just broke up with my girlfriend today. I couldn't handle all the attention she got for being so hot.
I had to put her out.

Window shopping is what men do, when they want to buy windows.

You're about as much use as the lid on a McFlurry.

Just saw a bunch of blokes knocking ten bells out of some household waste as it rolled by on a conveyor belt.
It was a rubbish punch-line.

BBC News: Ivory Coast asks for ICC probe
What do they think the International Cricket Council are going to do?

What's red and smells like peaches?
Bob Geldof's fingers

i can just about tolerate pens but i have to say i draw the line with pencils...

I thought ITV and BBC were bad for showing repeats of films, but yesterday on Sickipedia I saw Ghost 2 at least fifteen times.

I tested two dishwashers, and i have come to the conclusion that the Filipino is better.

Onions are like puppies.....people cry when you cut them in half

The look on my nans face when i walked in on her and caught her knitting me a bowl of shreddies!

My illiterate friend made a joke today.
"Brilliant!" I exclaimed. "You can't write that stuff!"

Hi , my name's Jack.
I'd like to write you an original Joke.
But I'm unable to think out of the box.

Anytime I eat in a restaurant I always leave the same tip on the table.
"Lock your doors in future when I'm in. That way I wouldn't dine and dash so easily," it says.

Women are like hoovers, once you turn them on they won't stop sucking.

The lady at the dole office looked at me and said, "Mr Davies... A few of us are beginning to question whether you are actually seriously seeking employment."
"What?", I responded, "That's absurd! Why would you suggest such a thing?"
"Well.. It's just most people will make the effort of changing out of their pyjamas before coming in to sign on."

BBC News - Boat death girl, 11, 'not seen'
Worst... super-villain... ever!

I don't claim to be a big deal.... but let's just say I am what Willis was talking about.

To poo, or not to poo.
That is digestion

I went to the police station to report my mother missing.
"When did you last see her?" the officer asked.
"Last night," I replied.
"Was she acting strangely?"
"Yes... She was singing 'Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep'."

Procrastination...
I'll think of the punch line later.