Sometimes I like to wear green trousers and a blue t-shirt and hide on the horizon.

Ever noticed that all ghosts are White?
Yeah, it looks like a good afterlife, doesn't it.

I'm currently working as a computer games tester making 50 pounds a week!
By that, I mean I'm on the dole...and I play a lot of Xbox.

Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I've ever considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food."

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.
I really need to stop drinking on duty.

Why don't you see any woman ventriloquists?
They don't keep their mouths shut.

Well, I know I won't be able to watch Comic Relief tonight without picking up the phone.
Watching all those starving kids with their distended bellies always makes me think the same thing...
"I'm a bit peckish myself... I think I'll order a pizza."

I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups.
But I'm not holding my breath.

One day, there was a man who got cursed by a gypsy. The curse was that he could only speak 4 words each year.
One day, he had met a beautiful woman whom he wanted to marry, but he had already used up his 4 words. So he spent the next year courting her, buying her expensive gifts and trying to woo her.
It was finally a year later, and over a candle lit dinner he proceeded to ask her the big question.
'Will you marry me?'
She replied
'Pardon?'

My wife said she's had enough of me and my selfish ways.
So I thought I'd surprise her by buying her a PS3 and Call of Duty to say sorry.

This joke is like a rapist. It's going to score whether you like it or not.

I was recently the subject of a joke. I chickened out of a fight, and crossed the road to get away.

Every once in a while I stop and think, "I know you can read my thoughts."
Just in case.

I heard one of the best jokes I've ever heard in my life yesterday!
It was about an anti-climax.

Normally my dog eats my trainers but I didn't know whales done it too!

Jokes on Sickipedia are a lot like children.
If you start stealing them you'll get a bad reputation.

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"
The man said, "What little girl?!"
The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"
The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"
The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

Where do women pee?
Because all I ever see are signs for Men and Scottish Men.

Remember:
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people will testify that there was consent.
Strength in numbers boys, strength in numbers.

I'm often accused of eavesdropping.
I just wish they'd have the guts to say it to my face.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula.
He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurisation.

What's worse than a joke without a punchline?

The problem with maths jokes is not the jokes themselves, but that if you get them, you don't have any friends to tell them to.

Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them.

I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work colleague looked over and said, "Would you like some chicken to go with that salt?"
I replied, "Would you like some laughter to go with that joke?"