I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called.
Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

Apple has a new device out for Chinese people.
The iOpener

My first joke on here was like my first girlfriend...
They were boring, annoying and it lasted about 10 minutes before they both got buried.

Don't call me in the middle of our text conversation and say, "This will be faster."
There's no doubt in my mind that it will be faster, possibly even easier, but I had no desire to speak to you.
Hence the text.

Jonathan has a bag of sweets. There are 13 Red Sweets, 7 Green sweets and 15 Blue sweets. Jonathan takes a sweet at random, notes it down and then returns it to the bag 10 times. What is the probability that:
a) Jonathan will select 5 Green sweets?
b) Jonathan will select only Blue sweets?
c) Jonathan is bullied?

A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Right, who's first?"