I tested two dishwashers, and i have come to the conclusion that the Filipino is better.

Onions are like puppies.....people cry when you cut them in half

The look on my nans face when i walked in on her and caught her knitting me a bowl of shreddies!

My illiterate friend made a joke today.
"Brilliant!" I exclaimed. "You can't write that stuff!"

Hi , my name's Jack.
I'd like to write you an original Joke.
But I'm unable to think out of the box.

I went to the police station to report my mother missing.
"When did you last see her?" the officer asked.
"Last night," I replied.
"Was she acting strangely?"
"Yes... She was singing 'Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep'."

To poo, or not to poo.
That is digestion

I don't claim to be a big deal.... but let's just say I am what Willis was talking about.

Procrastination...
I'll think of the punch line later.

Anytime I eat in a restaurant I always leave the same tip on the table.
"Lock your doors in future when I'm in. That way I wouldn't dine and dash so easily," it says.

BBC News - Boat death girl, 11, 'not seen'
Worst... super-villain... ever!

The lady at the dole office looked at me and said, "Mr Davies... A few of us are beginning to question whether you are actually seriously seeking employment."
"What?", I responded, "That's absurd! Why would you suggest such a thing?"
"Well.. It's just most people will make the effort of changing out of their pyjamas before coming in to sign on."

Women are like hoovers, once you turn them on they won't stop sucking.

I used to hang around with a shy rock
but now hes a little boulder

I was getting a bit lonely in the evenings, so I decided to advertise for a lodger.
The Governor refused though saying I hadn't really grasped the concept of solitary confinement.

My girlfriend is leaving me for the most ridiculous reason.
Apparently I am addicted to cricket.
Oh well I suppose we had a good innings.

The children at the primary school I work at love to draw turkeys using their hands as the outline.
Except the kid from Norfolk, who loves drawing Stegosauruses.

Taxi for abdul...
Oh wait, he drives one.

We were just about to start the annual company rugby match when my opposing captain jogged up to me.
"You do realise this is only supposed to be a friendly game between employees, don't you?"
"Of course I do," I replied, "Especially after last year when you accused me of drafting in some ringers."
"So where are those five from then?" he asked.
"The temporary New Zealand branch," I said, "Now show some respect while they do the Haka."

Today, I told my girlfriend that I often make jokes online at her expense. She said, "That's alright. I don't exist anyway."

When is it okay to spit on EL's face?

That's out of line.
way

You know, I've been on hard times lately and there's always been a group of people there for me no matter what.
Through the credit crunch, Jade's cancer, through Michael Jackson dying, through Obama becoming president and now the anniversary of 9/11.
Though these group of people are always there for me, they get enough stick as it is because of their morals and and for saying what they believe is right, and this group of people are mostly hated but loved by many, yet many of them are also wanted by the police. Yet, their still there for me.
So thank you sickipedians for always being there, unless the latency decided to intrude.

whats the only part of a piece of clothing thats constantly trying to get your attention?
....a hem!!

Muslim comedians make me explode with laughter.