A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide. The Librarian says: "Do you have a library card?" The man says no, and leaves.

The Headmaster came to observe my lesson and then called me into his office.
"Mr Blake, you're either a fraud or the laziest Games Teacher I've ever seen," He said.
"I don't know what you mean Headmaster...I taught them Connect 4 yesterday, so today it was Buckeroo."

Don't you just hate it when people post observations as jokes.

From what I've read, it seems like John F. Kennedy was a real open-minded guy.

I phoned Emergency Services as soon as the accident happened.
Although they were a bit shirty about it, they did manage to talk me through the nappy change.

Never be proud of your choices.
Your wife is one of them.

My girlfriend called over to help me build my medieval figure set.
She really made my knight

As the smell of the fart permeated the air around me and everyone began to hold their noses, I did what huge numbers of men have done before me. I blamed it on the dog.
I thought I'd got away with it until the nurse pointed out that dogs weren't allowed in the operating theatre.

My Internet connection and my wife's trousers have a lot in common.
They both have a really high band width.

This morning I opened my cupboard to find my underwear fighting.
They are boxers to be fair.

My mate reckons it's possible to kill your wife with a blender.
I might give it a whirl.

Meanwhile in Africa.
Breaking News: Two goat driven carts ram into the World Trade Huts.

Walking my dog this morning. My mate comes running over to me from the other side of the field.
"My dogs run away! I've lost him"
"Have you tried calling him?"
*checks pocket*
"Na, I've got no signal"

What's Madeleine McCann's favourite Television show?
Lost

I hated it in prison, I used to get beaten everyday.
Turns out I'm rubbish at Playstation games.

I took the wife out for a drink last night.
What a waste of time that was... She could barely keep her eyes open.
I told the tart she'd put way too much mascara on.

I met this girl named Maybelline once.
She said she was born with it.

First Oslo and now Amy Winehouse.
This shows that shooting up will get you in the news.

I should have known better than tell someone my biggest secret whilst attending the Town Cryer's annual convention.

I was chatting with this big fat bird in the pub the other day, When my mates shouted;
Oi! quit disturbing the parrot!

If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with meta humour.
I missed the point entirely for comic effect.

Just to remind everyone that the clocks go an hour forward today
Don't lose sleep over it

Landed in Saudi Arabia to see a mate and showed him the bag of pot I snuck into the plane.
"Flush that or your gonna get stoned!"
What an idiot, that's what pot is suppose to do!

My wife said she's going to leave me because of my obsession with calendars.
I'm counting the days...