Reports say school lunches are a threat to national security because the fat content in school food is making kids unfit to serve in the military. It does not help that most lunch ladies look like they live in caves in Afghanistan.

I know two Everton fans who still haven't found what they were looking for, Kate and Gerry McCann.

My pet elk has vanished, one moment it was in the garden next moment vamoose

My son's been offered a place on a Theoretical Philosophy course at university.
He's going to think about it.

So now Kim-Jong Il, Gadaffi and Bin Laden are now dead. Only 4 more horcruxes to go before Ruport Murdoch can be destroyed!

Wanna hear a joke about paranoia?
Actually, don't worry.

My friend just challenged me to guess what food item he was hiding behind his back.
"Well that's a piece of cake" I said.

My wife is always telling me I need to have a more active and healthy lifestyle...
So tonight, I'm going to walk to the pub at the far end of town.

My mate is fighting a map, he's lost.

Landed in Saudi Arabia to see a mate and showed him the bag of pot I snuck into the plane.
"Flush that or your gonna get stoned!"
What an idiot, that's what pot is suppose to do!

My cocaine empire is struggling in these hard times, it's all gone to pot.

Opening a resteraunt that sells healthy stuffed flatbread sandwhichs that slows down the aging process.
I'm calling it Pita Pan's.

How many recruitment consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well that depends. Have you tried to fit the lightbulb yourself? When do you need to have it fitted? And would you be willing to let me work on the job exclusively?

What do you call a one legged woman?
Ilean.

what did the letter R say to the letter P?
excuse me is there a Q infront of you?

So I was in the chip shop when the woman asked "salt and vinegar?"
I said yes it does smell like that now can you get off the counter and put your knickers back on please I want some chips.

it always makes me laugh when little chavs try to steal my NY yankies hat.
I always have my caps lock on

I spilt milk in my drink.
Tango neutralised.

I used to go out with a girl who had "Asprin" tattooed over one breast and "Paracetamol" over the other.
Finest medicine chest I've ever come across.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I may be forgetful, but theres one thing I most cetainly am not....
Predictable.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

All these new Televisions are confusing.
When I was young,......
High Definition was smoking weed and reading the dictionary.

I Purchased a Microwave Bed today.. I can now have 8 Hours Sleep in 7 Seconds,

I had to stop children entering the cinema screen at work today.
It was no small feat.