The first thing I'd if I won the lottery? Finally be able to fill the car up.

Winning the Euromillions.
Fat Chance

Colin & Chris Weir have employed me to sort out their finances. I'm just in the middle of doing them a pie chart.

The worse thing about winning 82million would be trying to get it out of the newsagents into the car.

TheSun: "Lotto winners Chris and Colin are UK's 430th wealthiest."
I'd say they were struggling to match that rank for the UK's healthiest though.

I said to a mate, "It's a good job you called in sick yesterday."
"Haha, why was it a busy day?" He asked
"No, our syndicate hit the jackpot on the lottery."

I looked at my wife and wondered, what she's doing with someone like me?
Then I remembered...
...I won the lottery.

TV3 (Ireland): Lottery Liar; "I had to lie, otherwise she would have known the truth"
Really?

My mate was telling me how he always plays the same numbers for the lottery. 4, 9, 16, 25 and 36.
What a square.

Think it might be wise that pukka pies invest in a shop as close to the Euromillions Winners House as possible.

161m Winners: "It is sinking in inch by inch"
Looking at the size of them, that's a lot of inches.

"Greece Wins 96bn Economic Bailout "
Really? I thought that big rollover jackpot was won by two fat people!

My girlfriend surprised me as I walked into the living room, she held up her card and offered me two lines.
I wish I hadn't rolled up a tenner as fast as I had... Stupid lottery.

As my wife read the winning lotto numbers off the ticket she said, "Pinch me to make sure I'm not dreaming!"
"It's that ticket I'll be pinching thank you fatty," I replied, "My quid paid for it."

Sunday Times: Recent developments have shown that the Dursleys have found a figure of 161 million in their bank.

Yes I can confirm the rumors are true - it was me who won the 166 million Euro jackpot. I spent the money putting a full tank of petrol in my car. Obviously I'm now skint again, so stop sending begging letters.

If I got my money back everytime I played but didn't win the lottery....
There would still be kids dying in Africa

Saw a flattened little dead silver dog in the middle of the road. Apparently Someone didn't win on the scratchcard.

If it had been me that had won the 161 million then I wouldn't just sponsor a child, I'd buy a whole country.
Turns out I only had three numbers but that was enough to buy South Africa and get a Big Mac anyway.

I feel sorry for the one Nigerian man who actually has $27 million to give to me.

My missus asked, "If you won the lottery would you still stay with me?"
I said, "No."
She said, "That was a bit blunt."
I said, "Oh sorry, Nah."

I turned sixteen today and I can now legally do what I've been fantasising about all of these years.
Buy a lottery ticket.

I can't believe my ears!
Just been watching the National Lottery. Dale Winton's just asked this woman a question and she hasn't got a clue about the three answers provided. She says to him that there isn't even an answer that she knows is wrong. Dale's reply, "Well, it's easier if you just knock one out."
Fresh thinking there, Dale.

Introducing the new 'Health Lottery' Diet: The quickest way to Loose a Pound a week!

The Lottery.
As much chance as a walking talking Stephen Hawking.