Winning the Euromillions.
Fat Chance

I packed my bags and left my wife and kids last night after discovering I had a winning ticket on the lottery.
I soon went crawling back this morning, ten pound doesn't stretch very far.

So, a couple from Falkirk, have won the 161 million jackpot.
This makes them 160,999,999 richer than Scotland itself

If I had a pound for every time I got fooled into playing the Lottery...
I'd feel adequately compensated.

I won 6.2 million on the lottery, Just one week later my wife divorced me and took half.
Who says money can't buy you happiness?!

After scooping 32m on the Euro millions the courts ordered me to by my ex-wife her own Island.
She is going to be well chuffed, I bought her one off the council, it's down by Tesco.

A single English ticket wins the 161million euromillions jackpot....
Finally we win something in Europe

161m - At least you can afford the gastric band surgey now from bupa.

Ive just won BIG on the lottery!
Its not a bad DVD but Ive seen better.

If they're phasing out cheques by 2018,will lottery winners be presented with a bag of money or a giant maestro card when they are revealed to the public?

I love playing the lottery and never miss a chance to gamble , I play Lotto , Euromillions , the irish lottery etc
I once put the Alaskan lottery on but you have to be innuit to win it

The couple who won 161 million on EuroMillions say they'll be buying a ticket in the next lottery.
Hats off to the Weirs for nurturing our beliefs about Scottish people.

If we won the lottery tonight, it wouldn't change my wife one bit.
Because I wouldn't tell her.

My Nan got struck by lightning 24 times at the weekend. On hearing this, I did the honourable thing...
... and checked her lottery ticket.

I feel sorry for Euromillions winners Chris and Colin Weir, now they've gone public they're going to get all sorts of unscrupulous low life pestering them for money.
"Would you like fries with that? would you like to go large for an extra 30p?...."

A bulimic girl said to me, "Everything I swallow comes up."
I said, "Quick, swallow my lottery numbers."

The day after my wife left me I won ten million quid on the lottery.
She said, "I think we should give it another go"
I said, "You can, if you like. I don't need to play it anymore"

What's the difference between a man having an argument with his wife and a man buying a lottery ticket?
The man has more chance of winning the lottery.

I seem to have the worst luck.
I had all the right numbers on my lottery ticket, but they weren't in the right order.

BBC News: "Earthquake hits English Channel"
Yeah, that couple got pretty excited and started jumping up and down when they won the Euromillions.

I see a lucky group shared in the Euromillions Jackpot then,
Mr & Mrs Weir, Macdonalds, KFC, Burger King, Pizza hut, Aziz's kebab shop...

BBC News headline: "OAP in record 113 million lottery win"
I've always preferred an older partner if you're reading this, my dearest love. xx

I sed them three special words which makes every woman want me
National Lottery Winner

A bloke I know has just won 6.2m on the lottery.
Camelot have told him that the money will be in his bank tomorrow.
I'm going to stand outside the bank from 6am with a shotgun and wait for the van to turn up.

My missus said to me "I've won a tenner on the lottery, look! 04, 03 and 10!"
I replied "That's the date love..."