A bulimic girl said to me, "Everything I swallow comes up."
I said, "Quick, swallow my lottery numbers."

I've just won the Lottery, to celebrate I'm having a tattoo of my lucky winnings numbers done on my arm.
15,23, and 46.

Won money on the Lotto and immediately decided to take a break.
Bought 12 Kit Kat's with my 8 quid.

My wife's a bit like the national lottery.
Everyone has a chance, for a pound.

"What would you buy if you won the lottery?" asked my girlfriend.
"Oh you know, probably just the usual stuff; big house, fast car" I replied.
"Would you leave me for another woman?"
"Of course not, darling, I'd leave you for several."

Thanks to the Euromillions; the only reason we'll see 'Euro Success' and 'Liverpool' in the same sentence.

Sky News: Dozens Killed In India Bus Crash Fireball.
These national lottery games are getting a bit extreme

There is a 1 in 2 chance of winning the lottery.
You either win it or you don't.

I've just won the national lottery, and Im gonna give my missus a ring...
From Australia

I've got 10 lines for tonights euro lottery!!
if i win I'm gonna snort the lot!!

I won the lottery last week and now all the girls in my home town are all over me.
I'm not sure if I should have went public winning three numbers in Liverpool.

Anyone else want to know the winning lotto numbers for tonight? I'm just aboutto call Australia and ask for them.
I can't believe no ones thought of doing this before.

Oh my god! I won the Euromillions!
I think i'll use my winnings to buy a litre of unleaded....

I just saw Colin and Chris Weir celebrating their 161 million lottery win on 'News at Ten.'
I thought ''that's disgusting, all the starving people in Ethiopia could live off those two for a year.''
And the money would come in handy, too.

I was watching the lottery in the pub & my mate pipes up "Hey, Bob, if you won the jackpot would you sort your family out?"
"Nah. I'd just pay some of the lads off the estate to do it for me"

Seven people share 45,000,000 in Liverpool.
Still be thieving tomorrow.

BBC News: "One UK winner of 161 million Euromillions jackpot"
I think its my wife. I've just came through the door and I can hear her bouncing up and down on the bed screaming "Yes baby, yes!"

Begging letter sent to me yesterday:
HI and great news on your mega lottery win. My name is Sally and my 3 year old daughter Sam has 2 months to live after contracting Liver cancer. Please please help her last days be memorable.
My reply:
Hi Sally, So sorry to hear your news about Sam. So what I've done is book an all expenses trip to Disney in Florida. Got to go now the taxi is waiting outside to take me to the airport. I'll send her some pictures of me and Mickey Mouse. I'll see if he will autograph it for her...
Best of luck Mark

The new National Lottery advert claims there have been 2 billion scratch card winners.
Or in other words 2 billion folk have won their quid back.

So Derren Brown has found a way to predict the National Lottery Numbers......
.......he must be a Jew.

The irony is, that the winners of the Euromillions lottery are unable to rollover themselves.

Note to self...
Always check the lottery results before trying to kill yourself!

Harry won a three million pound lottery prize. He got a letter officially confirming he will be paid 3 a year for the next million years.

The other day, I realized that I don't do any extreme sports.
So I decided to run through Liverpool with a lottery ticket shouting "I've won! I've won!"

I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it.
He said ''This could earn you 5,000,000.00!''
After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"'
He tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket.'