Lottery Joke

My Nigerian friend has recieved an email saying that hes won 165m in the English Lottery.

Lottery Joke

So Derren Brown predicted the lottery tonight?
Big deal, I've predicted which numbers wont come up twice a week for 10 years!

Lottery Joke

If I'd have picked 6 different numbers I would have won the lottery last night.
Couldn't believe it.

Lottery Joke

So what if Derren Brown can predict the lottery numbers.
It turns out that I can as well.
But unlike him, I won 2.4 million pounds tonight.

Lottery Joke

I've decided that, if I ever win the lottery, I won't let the money change me.
I'll leave that to the plastic surgeons.

Lottery Joke

When the lottery first started, I'd pick the numbers after my wife's age, weight and vital statistics.
I no longer play the lottery.

Lottery Joke

My mate asked, "What would you buy yourself if you won the lottery?"
"Acting lessons probably."
"Act..Why?"
"I'd like to be convincing when anybody asks me if I have any money."

Lottery Joke

I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home.
It was the box from my new 65" TV.

Lottery Joke

I won the Lottery last night.
I haven't told the wife yet, I can't use my phone on the plane.

Lottery Joke

Can you believe it?
This guy wins 181m lottery on Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck!

Lottery Joke

What's better than winning the lottery?
Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

Lottery Joke

Imagine winning 161 million in the lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted.
Except a neck.

Lottery Joke

My mate said, "If I won 161 million on the lottery, I'd buy Greece for a laugh."
I said, "What would you spend the other 160 million on?"

Lottery Joke

My mate asked me, "What's the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?"
I replied, "Collect the winnings."

Lottery Joke

My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.
I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."
Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers

Lottery Joke

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery than actually winning.
That's why I always send my wife.
Win-Win.

Lottery Joke

For the first time in ten years I didn't manage to make it to the newsagent to put my lottery numbers on yesterday, and would you believe it... saved myself a quid.

Lottery Joke

I recorded last week's lottery and, knowing the result, bought my wife a ticket for Wednesday's draw.
When she thinks she's won she'll have a heart-attack.
That'll get her back for burning my toast.

Lottery Joke

So a Scottish couple have won 161 million on the Euromillions...
Unlucky Greece, better luck next month

Lottery Joke

My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn't give me a penny and she'd move out of the country.
Little does she know I've been using the same numbers as her for 5 years.
That'll wipe the smile off her fat face

Lottery Joke

The Euromillions winner has not come forward yet.
No surprise there; I'd still be telling my boss what I think of him.

Lottery Joke

I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.
I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

Lottery Joke

"BBC NEWS - Colin & Chris Weir - 161 MILLION POUNDS!"
They also won the lottery you know?

Lottery Joke

"We don't want to hire unlucky people!" said the interviewer and randomly discarded half of the applications.

Lottery Joke

After winning the lottery I thought, the first thing I'm going to do is fill my car with fuel.
Then that dream was shattered as they announced that there had been two lucky jackpot winners.