My wife was furious when I quit my job to become a magician but I've now mastered the sawing a lady in half trick and will be doing my first show tonight.
Shame she won't be there but sometimes these things take a couple of tries to get it right.

I really want Harry Potter's invisibility cloak so I can hang it over one of my arms and park in the disabled spots at ASDA.

David Copperfield walks into a bar.
Or does he?

My mate was waxing lyrical about the magic of Dynamo earlier.
"He's good, but my mate can make anything disappear in an instant" I said.
"Is he a magician aswell?" he asked.
"No" I replied, "He's a scouser."

My brash, amateur magician brother said he could easily do the 'catch the bullet between his teeth' trick.
That's the first and last time he'll shoot his mouth off.

Penn and Teller are like a married couple.
Only one of them gets to talk.

''Hey Harry, that looks magical'', said Ron.
''It isn't Harry''.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will attempt to age before your very eyes.
This is a complex trick and not easy to accomplish.
In fact, it may take some time.

My mate suggested I tell my wife about my magic addiction by writing her a letter
I just can't pick up the Penn and Teller

I just saw the magician Dynamo on the High street.
He said, "Try and pick me up"
I said, "You have beautiful eyes"

According to Google's homepage today is Harry Houdini's 137th birthday...
I reckon that's his best trick yet

Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn't turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
"How are they?" the magician asked.
"Comfortable."

My local magician can slow his heartbeat down until it stops.
But, to tell the truth, he only managed to pull it off once.