The judge kept interrupting me when I was speaking in court.
I stood up and shouted, "Can I finish my sentence?"
Not the best thing to say when you're applying for parole.

I was at the gym and asked the guy next to me if he'd be my spotter while I'm lifting.
As I pulled my trousers down he punched me at the urinal.

I went to the dentist to have a tooth removed
"Would you like to keep the tooth?" He asked
"Ok, yes please" I said
So he left it in there

The cashier at the grocery store asked me if I would like to buy a reusable bag that's environmentally friendly. I had to decline.
My wife was already at home taking care of the garden.

My wife wasn't to happy when I gave her the letter I wrote for her birthday that she wanted.
It was Y.

"That Door's alarmed!" I muttered to an old lady on crutches when she finally got close enough to hear me.
She turned around slowly and started hobbling back the way she came.
I shrugged and un-paused the clip of Jim Morrison looking startled.

Working my usual shift at DFS, I was showing this posh couple around.
"Have you decided what to buy for your TV room yet then?" I asked.
"Not so far" the man replied.
"Well, they're more comfortable than chairs" I said.

I text my girlfriend "can't wait to get into your knickers later x"
"Be my guest big boy :-)" she replied.
Brilliant.. I think I'll go for the thong, it's soooo comfortable..

All of that Eastside-Westside trouble in the USA could have been avoided if the Notorious B.I.G spoke a bit clearer. He only asked his crew to go out and get two packs of sugar.

The sun was shining today as me and my mate were walking to the pub. He said, "It looks great out today!"
I said, "Cheers, I think I'll keep it out"

I went to an Italian restaurant and after looking at the menu I said to the waiter, "I'll have the Spinotti Vermicelli."
"Sorry Sir," he replied, "but that's not a dish, that's the name of our chef."

After a crazy argument with my wife I went down to the pub and said to the barman, "Bitter."
"Anything else?" He asked.
"Yeah, twisted."

My mate said to me "Hey, I saw your missus down at the car boot sale this morning. She drives a hard bargain!"
"Don't be stupid, it's a Nissan Micra" I replied.

I saw an advert today outside a beauticians that offered a "Fish Pedicure".
Since when do fish have nails?

I went into the Little Girl's room at the cinema yesterday.
There were no girls, just toilets.

A google search led me to the "Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network website" - RAINN.org.
I have to admit I was disappointed by their "get involved" section.

My Grandad, quite a man for the Ladies
it doesn't matter how clearly the Gents is signposted

After watching 'One born every minute' it reminded me of the horrifying experience when my wife gave birth to our first child,
The midwife was a dwarf...

My french neighbour and I got talking, she said "I grab 'appiness whenever possible."
Sounds like my kind of slag.

My wife expects far too much from me.This morning she shouted, before she left for work, "Remember to get cat's litter."
Now I have to follow some fat tart around Albert Square hoping she drops some empty crisp packets.

My wife said, "Do you fancy a three-some?"
With a smile on my face I said, "Yeah."
"Good," she said. "Because my mother's moving in."

My teacher asked, "Can anyone name a sport that begins with a 'Q'?"
I said, "Yes, the marathon."

Before my big job interview,I asked my mate in H.R If he had any tips.
"First impressions count,so make it a good one" he said.
After the interview,he rang me to see how I went on.
"It could have gone better,I dont think I will get it though" I sighed.
"What makes you say that?"
"I tried too hard with my first impression.My Simon Cowell bombed,so I tried my Bruce Forsyth but I had already lost them by that stage I think".

I sent my new girlfriend a handmade card through the post and she called the police...
On reflection, using letters cut from a newspaper probably gave her the wrong impression.

I have finally decided that it is time to put the family dog down.
My arms are starting to ache.