I went to my local race night last night.
Apparently this doesn't mean shouting at black people all evening.

I just heard that a guy immolated himself to protest China's refusal to free Tibet.
How's impersonating a mole going to help?

Customers at my barber shop think I got my nickname Van Gogh because I'm an artist with a pair of scissors.
It's actually because I once cut someones ear off.

Today I lost a good friend.
We never said much to each other, however we may as well have been joined at the hip. I'll never forget those days where we walked home together - and those sweet words you would whisper in my ear.
R.I.P
Sony MDR - E818LP Acoustic T Turbo Headphones

I stood up in the pub and drunkenly shouted out, " I'm off home to try some auto erotic asphyxiation."
My wife said," Belt up will ya!"
Silly cow, that's not how you do it.

A guy goes into a busy butcher's shop:
"Good morning! I'd like 200 grams of bacon from that really fatty one."
"I'm sorry," says the butcher, "Susie'll have to get it for you, the really fatty one's at college today."

I've just found out there's 40% off kids at EuroDisney at the moment.
I wonder if you get to chose the 60% you keep.

My mate said, "Did you hear farmer Young got trampled by one of his own cows?"
I replied, "Yeah, I was at the funeral today. I even saw the cow at it."
"Oh, how was it then?" He asked
"Delicious, cooked to perfection."

''What's in the bag?'' A policeman asks as I was coming out of Asda.
I said "Peppa, pig".
He said "That's a good dvd, I got it for my kids".
I said "The dvd's Postman Pat".

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be more open-minded...
So I shot her in the head.

I went over to my mates house to see his new born son.
His wife was sitting on the sofa holding him and said "Would you like to wind him?".
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave him a Chinese Burn instead.

I was standing about three yards away from my computer when I realised that the mouse was moving.
It was tickling my sphincter.

Last night,me and my girlfriend were having a romantic candlelit dinner in a luxury restaurant.
I said to her "I love to take you out for dinner, make you sit beside the candle, shower you with roses and utter those three magical words in your ears "
Excitedly she said "oh I can't wait to hear it. I'll also love to whisper it in your ear".
So i Ieaned over and whispered in her ear"Pay the bill". And left the restaurant.

I met a girl in a club and we went back to my place. As we climbed into my bed she looked seductively at me and whispered:
"I'm up for anything"
"That's great. I've got a parcel coming tomorrow morning and I need someone to answer the door, Night love"

I said to my Mrs what would you like for your birthday?'
A surprise she said so I burnt her mum's house down.

I was talking to my chinese friend the other day, and for some reason he likes to set everyone up on dates. he said-
'ah, i know very good girl, very successful, she sell farms.'
why on earth would I want to to go out with someone who does that to themselves?

I was expecting young girls running and jumping around in short sports skirts when i sat down with a box of tissues to watch the film 'Rounders'.............. All i got was Matt Damon playing cards for 2 hours.

thought they had already began filming for another Planet of the Apes movie in Glasgow
then I realised it was an Orange March.

I don't know why all the local kids insist on calling me a batty man when I'm out jogging; I haven't even got any wings.

My friend an I were flying to Nairobi,
"I'm quite worried about communicating out here" I said,
"Yeah, I think we need to learn some of the language, how's your Kenyan?" He replied,
"I've no idea, he's at home. In his box".

I opened a carton of drinking chocolate that had been sat in the cupboard for a few months.
I couldn't believe it when I saw inside was full of tiny tents around a miniature campfire!
I looked on the side of the label to find a phone number so I could complain when I noticed it said "Contents May Settle Over Time".

A family friend of ours said to me the other day, "You're a very smart and sensitive young man. You have your father's brain and your mother's heart."
I'm not sure how he found out but I'm guessing it was the smell coming from my room.

In London, one man to another:
"You know, my daughter has married an Irishman"
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly"

I was talking to a friend at work who said they wake up an hour early so they can put make-up on.
I couldn't believe it! He does look good though.

My wife was in tears after the death of her mum.
"Sweetheart, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" I asked.
"Just comfort me," She said sobbing.
"Okay," I replied," Here's some pillows for your head, I'm off down the pub for quiz night with the lads."