My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious...
So I threw her into a Volcano.

Brothers aren't always right. But when they are, they invent the aeroplane.

A colleague at work was moaning earlier about how good his mate was at pulling.
"I know the feeling, I've got a mate just like that" I said.
"Is he good looking?" he asked.
"Not really" I replied, "He's a dentist."

On a fishing trip to Australia, I was terrified when the biggest croc I'd ever seen came floating past the boat.
Must have been a size 16 at least.

My girlfriend says I behave like a dog in our own house.
Just because I leave the toilet-seat up after I've had a drink from it.

My friend has this gorgeous woman working as his maid. She's deaf, but really good at lip reading.
Well, I've been trying to woo her so I figured I'd offer to help with the housework, but she just got offended.
All I did was ask if she'd like me to vacuum.

Johnson's 'No more tears' baby shampoo is a total swizz - it took some pulling, but we still managed to tear ours in half.

My mate was very disappointed with his stag party, he asked for a night full of fit birds.
Apparently the 2011 Doncaster pigeon race wasn't what he had in mind...

When my girlfriend said, "Get lost for good."
Apparently she didn't mean buy the dvd.

The Boss has just told he want's to speak to me about my performance lately.
The missus swore she wouldn't tell anybody.

I dont understand why everyone is so upset about the kids cage fighiting, I go to somewhere similar all the time, it's called a Wacky Warehouse

I was stopped by two women in the street, and asked if I would like to give my support to traumatised women that have been affected by flashers.
I thought that was a strange request, but I stripped off anyway and gave them my jockstrap.

Me and my girlfriend were talking earlier and she said "I've been looking at some figures and have decided I'm going to start tightening my belt!"
"I wouldn't!" I said "You already try squeezing into clothes that clearly don't fit you!"

Somebody once asked me what my favourite house tune is.
"Probably the one by Madness", I replied.

A mate of mine is a bit worried about his 8-year old daughter. She's not integrating well with the other kids at school.
I think she's a bit young to be doing calculus.

After a lovely date with a gorgeous blonde, I dropped her back at her house. As she got out the car she smiled and said "Give me a ring tomorrow"
I put my foot down and sped off as quick as possible. There's no way I'm ready for that kind of commitment after just one date.

My fat wife said to me "ooh, I could just murder a chocolate right now".
"Good idea", I replied, "how about that Jamal who's just moved in next door?"

The wife was cooking a fancy meal the other day when she said:
"Can you reduce this sauce down to about 1/2 the amount please?"
"Of course" I said. tipping about 50% of it down the drain.

A doctor goes into a restaurant and notices that the waitress keeps scratching her hands.
"Do you have eczema?" he asks.
"If it's not on the menu," says the waitress, "we haven't got it."

My heart skipped a beat when I heard that Kim Kardashian wants a quickie.
Not that I'd stand a chance, but I was still disappointed to hear that she meant a divorce.

I was sitting in the park with my girlfriend watching the sun go down, when my mate came walking over with a cheeky smile on his face.
"You two lovebirds." he laughed.
I said, "Indeed, our favourite is the Greenfinch."

"I'm off to Switzerland."
"Going to Bern?"
"No, I don't think it's that hot."

I took my boots to the cobbler, I said "I want these soled".
I went back the next day he gave me 10. He said "i've sold them"

I got pulled over by a policeman for doing 40 in a 30 zone.
"Sir, I'm afraid that's a 60 fine and 3 points on your licence," he said.
"Oh, for crying out loud!"
"No, for speeding."

Went to see my mate who works on a farm that i haven't seen for ages
"Hey!!" He waved & shouted.
Then i woke up here, in hospital, after being crushed by 30 bales of hay.