Went to see my mate who works on a farm that i haven't seen for ages
"Hey!!" He waved & shouted.
Then i woke up here, in hospital, after being crushed by 30 bales of hay.

My nan has always said that she loves those shoes they wear in Amsterdam, so as a surprise for her birthday I've got her some.
I can't wait to see her in her clear heels.

According to the World Health Organisation, HIV cases in Africa are 'set to explode'.
That's a new symptom.

My wife came home last night with some news.
She said, "Well firstly, I've managed to get a part in the egyptian play I've auditioned for."
"Well done!" I beamed, "You must be so happy."
"I certainly am," she smiled, "Even more so that I found out I'm going to be a mummy."
"Oh, don't you just lay there dead the whole time?" I asked.
"No Dave, I'm pregnant."

If it's dark in the bedroom, it may take several minutes for me to find the hole and even a few more minutes to stick it in correctly.
My wife can't stand it when I try to charge my mobile in bed.

"Two Dead As Rock Crashes Onto German House"
Looks like wrestling is more dangerous than I thought.

I told my son and his friends that our neighbourhood could do with some ethnic cleansing....
They're not the brightest bunch, I just found out they've been going around washing pakis

That's the last time the wife will make me do anything in the kitchen.
"How do I cook this pizza?"
"Put the oven on Max for half an hour."
Our son's funeral was today.

Just signed up for that "Fantasy Football League" with Sky, where they give you a 75 Million budget.
Still trying to find out how to withdraw it to my bank account...

Whilst I was having dinner with my new girlfriend last night she said, "There's something I think I should tell you, I've got that thing that Steve Jobs had. I'll understand if you want to break up with me before we get too serious."
"Are you kidding?" I replied. "I love girls who've got loads of money".

So play parks are a paedophiles paradise are they?
Nonsense. I'm just back and it was just a bunch of kids playing on the swings.

I answered a knock on my door, and saw a little kid dressed as a zombie, torn clothes, bleeding wounds etc.
"That's a fantastic costume," I said, offering him some sweets.
It was at that point that he started to cry and pointed at the car crash, "I think my mum might be dead."

If I had a Billion pounds for every time I confused people people......
I'd be a Millionaire

I did a one-man show last week and it was a huge success.
One man showed up.

The whole family is at the zoo when suddenly Little Susie calls out:
"Look, Mummy! That monkey looks just like Granddad."
"Shhh," whispers Susie's mother, glancing over at her father-in-law standing a few yards away. "Don't say things like that in such a loud voice."
"Don't worry," says Little Susie, "the monkey can't understand us."

"Oh my god!" screamed my wife, "He's taking our son away in his 'ice cream' van!"
"We must stop him! I cried, "Timmy can't have ice cream before his dinner!"

There is nothing I like more than walking through the door, kicking off my shoes, taking off my work uniform and collapsing onto the sofa with a nice cold beer in front of the TV.
Which I dare say is what led to me losing my job at DFS.

Mrs. O'Reilly is in the big city for the first time and checks into a hotel. After only a few minutes, she gets very angry:
"Just because I'm from out in the country doesn't mean you can put me in this tiny room with no windows!"
"This is the lift," says the bellboy.

I was sure my sister was going to pleased with the entertainment I'd booked for her 40th birthday, however when a guy turned up at the venue selling kebabs on the car park I knew there had been a big misunderstanding.
But none of us went hungry, thanks to "Jasons' donner van"

I was nervous about my first fancy dress party.
"Just be yourself", said my mate.
"Do you think I'll be allowed?" I replied.

"Put out the cat before you come to bed!" my wife shouted down to me.
So I covered its litter tray with shrinkwrap.

I was chatting up a girl and told her that I had a power station in my pants.
She was very impressed until I showed her what it had done to my genitals

I just got fired from the marketing department.
Apparently, pictures of missing black child on marmalade jars wasn't good for the company image.

Two Geordie flies in a butchers shop window.
One says to the other, "Fancy a walk in the pork?"

I was driving down a country road when this woman flagged me down. She came to my window and said "I could really use a lift" I said "you're hairs lovely and you've lost weight" Then I drove off.