According to the World Health Organisation, HIV cases in Africa are 'set to explode'.
That's a new symptom.

My nan has always said that she loves those shoes they wear in Amsterdam, so as a surprise for her birthday I've got her some.
I can't wait to see her in her clear heels.

Went to see my mate who works on a farm that i haven't seen for ages
"Hey!!" He waved & shouted.
Then i woke up here, in hospital, after being crushed by 30 bales of hay.

I asked my new girlfriend to tell me where all her erogenous zones were.
"Why do you want to know that?" she asked.
"Just so we can start off on the right foot," I said.
"I definitely haven't got one there," she said.

I've just been watching 'Speed Auction TV'...
Not once was any speed auctioned.

My dad's a retired rock star. The other day I asked him what he spent his time doing on tour.
"Groupies" he laughed.
"Cool" I said. "What other vegetables did you grow?"

How come there are so many bus drivers called Drive?

It's so nice to see an act of generosity.
Like this afternoon on my way back from work I came across a tramp holding out his hat and he asked me 'Spare change?'
'Yes please!' I said as I helped myself to a quid.

I turned to my mother and said, "I think i've finally found the one".
She started screaming in joy "CONGRATULATIONS!"
Didnt know someone could get so excited about soduko.

An Irish lad goes to confession.
The priest asks, "My boy, do you touch yourself at night?"
"I do Father."
"And what do you think about when you touch yourself?"
"I wish my nose would stop itching."

I recently moved to Spain, which is an hour ahead of Britain thanks to Central European Time.
I've brought my British satellite decoder with me, so I'm going to clean up betting on the football matches back home.

Since signing up for a dating website with the username 'one inch from the floor', I've had thousands of interested women.
I had no idea my amateur levitation skills would be so attractive.

I was going the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman stopped me.
He said, "Oi! Can't you read the signs?"
"Not really officer. Having only just met you, I had no idea you fancied me."

I was playing Call Of Duty on Xbox when my mum walked in.
"I'm sick of you staying indoors all the time." she moaned.
"I have a good excuse," I replied, "This particular building is a great vantage point to kill off unsuspecting noobs."

The only park near enough for me to take my son has a reputation for being a haunt for paedophiles and perverts!
This morning I sat as my son was on the climbing frame, and as he climbed higher I called for him to stop and come down being your typical kid he wouldn't do as i asked, after about five minuets I noticed a crowed of what I presumed to be pervs and paedo`s gathering. Then it hit me in my frustration I had been getting louder and louder I then realised my choice of words could have been thought out better! I had been in the middle of this park shouting to my son "Jack Off"

No wonder formula 1 drivers have so many points at the end of the season..
Have you seen how fast they drive.

I've just invented a fat jolly old man with a beard who loves children.
I'm not sure what to call him, although I might call him a paedophile.

My wife was looking through the H.Samuel brochure, pointed at it and said, "Wow, I'd really love this for my birthday."
She's going to be so made up. I went one step better and got her the hard back catalogue.

My wife asked me to kiss her in that 'special place'.
We're gonna get caught breaking into the local spastic home one of these days.

Nestle have abandoned their new KitKat advertising campaign in the planning stages, after realising that the slogan "Give a Friend a Finger" has a vast potential for misinterpretation.

So there I was, having my last meal. The priest came in and read me my last rights. I was shackled and led down 'the green mile'. All the other inmates were quiet and subdued. The tension in the air was so tense...it was horrible.
I was led in to a dark room, in complete and utter silence.
Worst birthday party surprise ever!

"You dirty disgusting pig!" she shrieked on the phone, "all over my clothes and my girls weekend ruined."
"What's the matter babes?" I said. "You did say I could do it."
"And how could you misunderstand, 'If you miss me, then why not try and come in my case?'"

Anyone knows a bloke called Martin Aston? Found a car key with his name on it.

My wife just got back from shopping at Sainsburys.
"Did you know that they've already started getting the Christmas stuff in?" she said "I'll tell you, it gets earlier and earlier every year."
"Really?" I replied, "I think you'll find that it's still on the 25th of December".
Daft cow.

The girlfriend told me things needed to "change dramatically" if our relationship was to last. You can only imagine how angry she was when I burst into the bedroom that night dressed as the Phantom of the Opera