Nestle have abandoned their new KitKat advertising campaign in the planning stages, after realising that the slogan "Give a Friend a Finger" has a vast potential for misinterpretation.

So there I was, having my last meal. The priest came in and read me my last rights. I was shackled and led down 'the green mile'. All the other inmates were quiet and subdued. The tension in the air was so tense...it was horrible.
I was led in to a dark room, in complete and utter silence.
Worst birthday party surprise ever!

My wife was looking through the H.Samuel brochure, pointed at it and said, "Wow, I'd really love this for my birthday."
She's going to be so made up. I went one step better and got her the hard back catalogue.

The girlfriend told me things needed to "change dramatically" if our relationship was to last. You can only imagine how angry she was when I burst into the bedroom that night dressed as the Phantom of the Opera

"You dirty disgusting pig!" she shrieked on the phone, "all over my clothes and my girls weekend ruined."
"What's the matter babes?" I said. "You did say I could do it."
"And how could you misunderstand, 'If you miss me, then why not try and come in my case?'"

Anyone knows a bloke called Martin Aston? Found a car key with his name on it.

As my wife started shaking nervously, and the tears rolled down her cheeks during her mums burial, the priest turned to me and said, "is this her first funeral?"
"Yes," I replied, "I'm pretty certain this is the first time she died."

My new girl was cooking dinner for me after I finished work so I asked, "Do you mind if I get a quick bath?"
"Yeah go ahead, there should be enough water in the tank"
30 minutes later I walked into the kitchen and she asked, "Was the water warm enough then?"
"Not really, the fish were a nice touch though"

I got stopped by a lady doing a public survey. She asked me, "How do you think we treat OAP's in this country?"
"Well, if my old mum is anything to go by, a pub lunch every few weeks usually does the trick."

Since my wife left two years ago we haven't slept together again ,
but my daughter and I are still good friends.

I bought a bag of compost from my local B & Q, and when I got home I was shocked to discover the label said, "With Added John Innes".
The local police don't even seem to want to know.

I was delighted to hear on this site that curry's cure cancer, so, as a sufferer myself, rushed out to be cured.
I'm not sure if the cancer has gone yet. It cost me 1,200 and i walked out with a lovely 52" Sony High Def.

BBC News: New hope to restore lost vision
Open your eyes?

A girl on my Facebook friends list updated her status earlier:
"SELLING MY BABY! :( - Inbox me for details"
How disappointed was I to find out it was her Mini Cooper?!

While in the pub talking to my mate I said to him "Last night was awfull, I had a slight tickle in my throat but I couldn't cough incase I woke the missus"
"Sounds like you're under the thumb, mate" he said.
I replied "Oh nothing like that, I had the tele on mute while watching babe station and couldn't find the remote"

Driving home today, I got stuck in traffic. I saw a sign saying "Think Bike"...
Turns out this is not an invitation to try and drive your car up the middle of the two lanes.

My house got robbed whilst I was out yesterday. I believe a fat African dwarf was responsible...
The neighbours said they saw a Black 4x4 leaving the scene.

I was pushing my daughter around town when an old friend approached us.
"wow, hasn't she come on?" He said.
"Of course not, she won't have her first period for years" I replied.

Got offered a position by the job centre today but had to turn it down. I don't have any hairdressing experience & they were looking for a temp to perm.

My wife shouted upstairs, "Don't forget we're taking my mother out today."
I shouted back, "I know, I'm just cleaning my gun."

My flatmate said "I've got a date tonight, make yourself scarce."
I tried my best.
I painted myself black and got a job.

A Muslim trainspotter was arrested in Boots yesterday.
He took his snaps of the London Underground to the photo counter and said, "Can you blow these up please?"

"I'm going to Marks and Spencers love" I shouted to my wife upstairs.
"Ok, see you later" she said.
Having friends with names of a popular retailer is really handy.

Today I told my boss if he didn't give me a pay rise I was going to strike.
He started, "I'm sorry but in the current economic crisis we simply cannot..."
Then I struck him.

If AIDS has no symptoms, then surely it's harmless?