I threatened a woman with a push chair the other day.
In hindsight, maybe a knife would've been more menacing.

These maths based questions on Facebook are starting to get annoying. The order of BIDMAS is not up for debate. 5*5+5 does not equal 50 it equals 30 because a system has been set up to avoid this kind of confusion.

I was rowing my boat up a river today when I saw a guy looking quite agitated on the bank.
"Where do you want to be mate?" I asked.
"The the other side," He answered.
"Hop in, I think I can get you there" I replied.
And when he did I stabbed him in the head.

My wife was ill so asked me to go to the shop and get her a magazine.
I asked, "What magazine do you want?"
She said, "Can you get Closer?"
I said, "Oh I'm Sorry...... What magazine do you want?"

I wore my budgie smugglers on holiday this year.
Had a few problems getting through Customs.

If AIDS has no symptoms, then surely it's harmless?

My missus was waiting for me to come home.
"I went to the doctor today about those stomach pains I've been having. You'll never guess what he told me." she said.
"Go on." I replied.
"Well, lets just say that I'll be eating for two for next seven months."
"That's great news love." I said. Fat cow's been eating for four up to now, so I'm glad the Doctor's told her to cut down as well.

Today I told my boss if he didn't give me a pay rise I was going to strike.
He started, "I'm sorry but in the current economic crisis we simply cannot..."
Then I struck him.

Spent most of today at the dentist's.
That's the last time I'm having Dominos for tea.

My wife was looking in the mirror and said to me she has awful roots.
I said "granted you're pikey and common but I love you anyway!"

I was stood in the bookies watching a race when my mate appeared at my side and said, " I've got prostate cancer."
I said, " That's a shame, I think it fell at the first."

Saw an advert the other day that said 'Pole Cats For Sale'.
First it was our jobs now it's our pets. Where will this all end..?

My mate must have more money than he lets on.
Only last week he put petrol in his car and tonight he reckons he put the heating on for a bit 'cos he was 'feeling the cold'!

A young father is waiting nervously outside the maternity ward. At last a nurse appears, carrying triplets.
"That's a great service," says the young father, "I think I'll take the middle one."

I like to tell my mates that I wear the trousers in my relationship.
The wife, however, is always quick to point out that while I may wear the trousers, she tells me what pair to put on.

I was in a real panic earlier today in the shopping mall , when I couldn't find my son.
But luckily a policeman was nearby , and he kindly took me back to the nursing-home

I was watching Horse racing with my son when he asked, "Dad, how longs a length?"
I said, " I don't know about yours, son, but mines about 8 inches."

Bought some flowers home for the wife who isn't so well yesterday.She was reduced to tears,Didn't have the heart to tell her they were for the funeral.

I was online earlier when i saw a link which read "Jennifer Lopez in Victoria Beckham." You can imagine my disgust when i clicked on it only to see J-Lo wearing a dress.

I just found out today is International Womens' Day.
Awesome. Send 'em round, I'll do the Oriental ones first.

The wife was complaining last night that I never treat her, so as soon as she was fast asleep, I painted her in Creosote.

After explaining my problem about having a tight foreskin to my wife's friend, he nodded.
" It sounds like you need to see a Doctor," he said.
"What?" I replied. "Claire told me you were a Doctor."
"I am," he said, "but I'm afraid a Doctor of Philosophy can't really help on this one."

my boss just she told me she loved to see me hard at work... think i might have misunderstood

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans his palm against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You want to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of coffee?"

I got lost in Bradford the other day.
I spent 12 hours pretending I was Albino.