I was really happy after a meeting at work today when I was elected chairman.
Then I realised everyone had voted for me to put all the chairs away.

I remember going to the park with my dad wearing a Donald Duck hat and a sailor suit.
Why he wore that, I'll never know.

I wish my doctor would make his mind up.
One visit he tells me I urgently need to give up junk food, the next he's telling me I urgently need a doner.

My mates just told me the time of the 100m final tonight is going to be 9.50.
So I've rung the Police and reported him for suspicious betting.

I went to the museum today, as I walked through the doors and headed straight for the main room, a voice said:
"Excuse me sir, admission please."
"Fine" I said, "I wear women's underwear and eat cat food."

What's the worst thing about getting drunk and fingering your best mates little sister?
Being so drunk that you forget he's only got a brother.

We had this quiz at school today, and I didn't get Anything wrong! Sadly I got Nothing wrong, and Something wrong. The easiest one was Difficult, and the one I would say I was most proud of myself for getting right was Incorrect. My Overall was perfect; Nevertheless I could have done better. I succeeded in Failing, but messed up my Chance. My Grandma was right.
In other words, I got six out of ten in my spelling test.

I started karate for beginners today.
I walked through the door and said, "Hiya"
The instructor said, "You want karate for intermediates. Next door, mate"

My boss just asked me to come in her office.
It turns out we meant different things

I was doing a crossword and I said to my wife, "9 letters. The clue is 'To do or say again'.
She said, "Reiterate."
I said, "9 letters. The clue is 'To do or say again'.

I walked up to a girl at the bar and said "Hey babe, my mouth is like a magicians hat"
"Full of surprises?" she giggled.
"No, hang around for the night you'll see me pull a hare out of it."

My mate said to me, "Have you ever thought about just packing a suitcase, leaving everything behind and starting again somewhere new?"
I said, "There's no way I could do that!"
"Why, because you love your wife and kids?"
"No, I don't have a suitcase."

After enjoying a delicious meal with the family, the waiter brought over the bill.
"How did you find the beef, sir?" he asked.
"Well, it was well hidden under the potatoes but I got to it eventually," I said.

I woke up and felt horrid this morning.
My wife hates it when I call her that.

I overheard a teenager on the bus last night, saying to his friend, "I still can't believe it, two weeks ago it looked impossible, but against all the odds the Greeks have managed to stay in it."
It's so nice to hear young people getting enthused by European politics.

All the emergency exits at work have got signs saying "Fire Door - Keep Shut" on them.
They'd be useless if we ever had to evacuate the building.

Moroccan 1500 meters runner Mariem Alaoui Selsouli has been barred from entering the Olympics, after testing positive for dope.
Suspicions were first raised during training, when she ran off towards the corner shop and came back with fourteen Kit-Kats.

There was a knocking noise on my car so I took it to the garage and the mechanic said, "Your bearings have gone."
I replied, "Oh sorry, I thought this was the garage."

I was walking down the road with my friend when a hooded youth jumped from a bush and took him hostage.
"Give me the phone or your mate gets it" he shouted at me.
"My mate can have it" I said, "He'll give it me back when you've gone."

"Can you tell me about the birds and the bees" i said to my grandfather
after a disturbing and graphic 20 minute talk, i still know nothing for my wildlife exam

I went to the florists earlier to get the flowers for the wife's funeral. The girl behind the counter said, "Your casket spread is ready, sir, as is your wreath, floral basket and your table arrangements."
I said, "Is that it then?"
She said, "Oh, Just one more thing, sir, pick a lily."
I said, "Oh, go on then, I've not had a sandwich since she died last week."

What's the difference between sikh and muslim?
My kid's don't play hide and muslim.

I'd stupidly let slip that I'd got a special treat for the wife's birthday and we were to go diving.
Well out came her credit card and she had to have the very best.. pink wetsuit, pink snorkel, pink flippers. Still they didn't do her much good in the end.
When the plane door opened.

My Blonde Wife just asked me, "Whats the scariest movie you have ever seen?".
I replied, "Our Wedding Video is pretty scary".
She said, "Whats it about?".

I Was walking through the London underground and saw a man holding a cup, looking rather glum. So, being the kind person, I am; I chucked some of my change in his cup. As a splash of his hot coffee hit me in the face, I instantly realised he wasn't actually homeless.