What's the difference between sikh and muslim?
My kid's don't play hide and muslim.

I went to the florists earlier to get the flowers for the wife's funeral. The girl behind the counter said, "Your casket spread is ready, sir, as is your wreath, floral basket and your table arrangements."
I said, "Is that it then?"
She said, "Oh, Just one more thing, sir, pick a lily."
I said, "Oh, go on then, I've not had a sandwich since she died last week."

"Can you tell me about the birds and the bees" i said to my grandfather
after a disturbing and graphic 20 minute talk, i still know nothing for my wildlife exam

I was walking down the road with my friend when a hooded youth jumped from a bush and took him hostage.
"Give me the phone or your mate gets it" he shouted at me.
"My mate can have it" I said, "He'll give it me back when you've gone."

There was a knocking noise on my car so I took it to the garage and the mechanic said, "Your bearings have gone."
I replied, "Oh sorry, I thought this was the garage."

My daughter's physio has just been for her weekly visit.
She said she had brought a special book with all kinds of new positions I could try out with my daughter.
After a slight misunderstanding, I am now looking for a new physio.

I'm all in favour of enforcing the no fly zone in Lybia but I have to ask should we really be messing with a country that has flying tanks?

I was out with my date when she asked why my last relationship didn't work out.
"She was really obsessive; she broke up with me because I like sausages and she doesn't," I told her.
"But that's ridiculous!" she said incredulously, "I like sausages!"
"Really? You should come back to my place - I've got millions of them."

On the first day of school my Dad gave me some lunch money.
It tasted awful.

I said to my girlfriend, "What music shall we have for our first dance at the wedding?"
She said, "I've always dreamed of having 'Your song'."
I replied, "Oh how considerate of you, The Scatman it is then.

I found a couple of old comics in my cellar the other day , so i put them up for sale on ebay.
When the buyer came round to collect them you should have seen the look on his face when he looked it the box and saw the decomposed bodies of Morcambe and Wise.

There is a re-make of a film coming out Christmas. It is about a fight between a Nun and a Virgin. It is called "Clash Of The Tightuns".

I was standing in the bathroom today, and god was it difficult.
I tried thinking of burst pipes, that were spurting water at a hundred miles an hour.
I tried thinking of a waterfall, from which crystal-clear water was cascading down and engulfing the earth.
I even tried thinking of a broken sink, in which a little fountain spring was bubbling in the basin.
But no... no matter how hard i tried -
The Polish plumber could neither speak English, or connect telepathically with me.

My mate went up to this bird in the club last week.
"Excuse me gorgeous, I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?" He said with a cheeky little wink
The girls smiled at him, then giggled followed by her giving him her number. Using this same method I thought I would also be able to get girls.
But for some reason it doesn't have the same effect when you tell a bunch of school girls that you've lost your virginity.

The only reason James Corden got sent to stage school was because the doctors said to his parents.
" By the time your son is 20, he could be huge."

A guy standing next to me at the Cheltenham festival said, "I quite fancy that horse over there."
I said, "Forget it pal, she's way out of your league."

A guy walks up to a hotel reception.
The receptionship asks, "Do you have a reservation?"
"Yes I do actually," he replies looking around, "It doesn't look nearly as nice as it did on the website."

"I love Eminem!" "I like Skittles better" "No, the rapper you idiot" "You're the idiot, what's so good about a M&M wrapper?

I said to my wife, "I wish there was a little more magic in our marriage."
"What, you mean be a little bit more adventurous." she replied.
"No, I'd like to see you do a vanishing act."

Just had a text of my mate, "Watching a load of posh blokes having a row."
I replied, "LOL.. What are they arguing about?"
"No-ones arguing," he sent back, "It's the Cambridge boat race team training."

I'm here at the racecourse betting my life savings. I'm sure to win: the race is at two in the afternoon and the bookmaker just told me that my horse starts at ten to one.

BBC News: UK troops to pull out of Sangin.
Well that must be a relief for Sangin, whoever she is.

'Orange customers can now use T-Mobile signal as a boost'
Why does this only apply to people with fake tan?

My long term girlfriend said its time to do the honourable thing by going to ask her father for his hand in marriage....
I did but turns out he's already married to her mother

After taking my mum's advice, I'm now subject to several Hollywood restraining orders.
I misunderstood "You've got to reach for the stars and try to grab them."