I went into the Little Girl's room at the cinema yesterday.
There were no girls, just toilets.

I saw an advert today outside a beauticians that offered a "Fish Pedicure".
Since when do fish have nails?

My mate said to me "Hey, I saw your missus down at the car boot sale this morning. She drives a hard bargain!"
"Don't be stupid, it's a Nissan Micra" I replied.

After a crazy argument with my wife I went down to the pub and said to the barman, "Bitter."
"Anything else?" He asked.
"Yeah, twisted."

I went to an Italian restaurant and after looking at the menu I said to the waiter, "I'll have the Spinotti Vermicelli."
"Sorry Sir," he replied, "but that's not a dish, that's the name of our chef."

The sun was shining today as me and my mate were walking to the pub. He said, "It looks great out today!"
I said, "Cheers, I think I'll keep it out"

All of that Eastside-Westside trouble in the USA could have been avoided if the Notorious B.I.G spoke a bit clearer. He only asked his crew to go out and get two packs of sugar.

I text my girlfriend "can't wait to get into your knickers later x"
"Be my guest big boy :-)" she replied.
Brilliant.. I think I'll go for the thong, it's soooo comfortable..

When my wife came in from the doctors she looked a little shaken.
"Everything alright?" I asked.
"I'm a bit worried about my doctor, he took my temperature in a weird place"
"Where?" I asked.
"The waiting room" she said.

Excitedly, I asked my dad if he could play T-rex for me. Smiling, he went to the cd player and started playing this 70's groove called 'Get it on' as he bopped up and down singing the words and gliding across the floor, as if he was some sort of rock god.
I don't think he noticed as I slipped back upstairs, clutching my cuddly dinosaur toy.

I can't believe that Ken Barlow has admitted to sleeping with over 1000 women.
Poor Deirdre must be mortified.

I went camping for the first time today and my mate asked me to build a camp fire.
So before lighting it, I painted all the firewood pink and arranged it to look like a limp wrist.

My son came home in tears after school.
He said, "I got bullied today, the children stuck my head down a badger's hole."
"Right," I angrily replied, "Tell me where they live!"
He said, "They're on the school field."

I saw an old lady who had dropped her purse. She tried so hard bending over to pick it up when she saw me and asked "excuse me young man, would you mind?"
Without hesitating I said "Of course", put my hands behind her head and forced her to bend all the way down.

My brother lost his job last month. I texted him yesterday to ask what he wants for his birthday.
'Couple of bucks would certainly come in handy,' he replied.
Two quid it is, then.

The Wife Said She Was Leaving Me To Become A Hooker...
I Wonder What Rugby Team She's Gonna Play For?

I thought I'd see what all the fuss is about, and try snorting some 'bath salts' to get high.
All that happened was I got myself kicked out of The Body Shop.

A homeless man approached me today and said, "Have you got the price of a cup of tea mate?"
I replied, "Yeah, It's 50p at that cafe across the road."

I'm all for disabled athletes being treated equal, but I can't help feeling that some get an advantage.
I just heard that for the South African relay team tomorrow, Oscar Pistorious is going to being running a 3rd leg.

Drinking 'no more tears' shampoo has actually taken my mind off of being depressed!
And put it on vomitting, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.

My friends and I were sat chatting about women and what size clothes they wear.
"I prefer my women in a size ten" said one guy.
"oh, I like a nice comfy 14, what about you?" another asked me,
"I like age 8/9". Was my reply.
I was asked to leave.

There's a new movie coming out about the Rapture today.
Apocalypse Not Now.

I got on the bus today and said to the driver, "To the new go-kart track please."
"Return?" He said.
"I may do if it's any good."

I wouldn't go on the dole for all the money in the world.

Malt whisky is 'a good investment', financial advisors say.
Nonsense. I invested in a truckload of the stuff years ago, and all I've got to show for it now is terminal cirrhosis.