On parents evening our sons nursery teacher told us that our child's brain is like a sponge...
I thought it best to stick to the story that I accidentally dropped him.

Just put my mobile in to Airplane mode and it told me not to call it Shirley

BBC NEWS: A child is molested every 20 seconds.
He must be knackered.

Me and my girlfriend were talking and it got really intimate, so I told her I could make her scream with one finger. She said 'go ahead' so I poked her in the eye.

When it comes to feeding babies, my mum always said "breast is best."
Rubbish. I've sat here for half an hour and mine won't touch his Chicken.

"Waiter, the food was delicious. Could you compliment the chef for me please?"
"Harold, your hat makes you look thin."

"I think it's time to stop playing catch with our daughter and come in for dinner," said my wife.
"Why? I thought you said I should spend more time with her," I asked.
"I did. But you keep dropping her," she replied

BBC NEWS- Travellers face chaos as airports close
Good!!! But why it's just pikeys who are affected I don't know

My wife and I have been going through a trial separation and today we met for coffee to discuss how things have been going. After a few pleasantries, she said, " I need to tell you that for the last few weeks I've been seeing a counsellor."
I looked at her for a moment and replied," Fair enough, I've been seeing a barmaid for a few weeks now."
No idea why but it was that point she threw her coffee over me.

A friend asked, "What's the best thing you've ever seen on tv?"
I said, "Faulty Towers."
"Ha ha ha" He laughed, "That was funny, They weren't faulty though. Some Muslims flew planes into them."

I've just reconditioned an old car
It took thirty bottles of head and shoulders.

The Guardian is now confirming that Gaddafi was "killed in cold blood".
I'd rather die in warm custard.

I just heard on the news that the evil dictator is finally dead.
I don't know what they're going on about. I just saw Margaret Thatcher five minutes ago and she seemed absolutely fine.

Someone should tell my history teacher that the Black Plague is a work in progress.

I thought my children had featured in an OK magazine.
But not according to the police.

Moving house is always difficult. My wife said to me, "Eeeeh John I don't know where to start!"
"I'd imagine we should start with the roof tiles," I said.

Two Irish guys are chatting up a girl in London.
She asks So what do you boys do then?
Turf cutter says the first.
Pilot says the second.
The girl remarks Thats a strange combination for two friends isnt it?
Not at all says the second guy, He cuts the turf and I pile it

My son asked if I wanted to play Club Penguin with him, I thought that it sounded like fun, so why not?
I got the wrong end of the stick...
Now I'm banned from the zoo and my son is in counselling....

Cameron's Father Dies: PM With Him In France
Why would I 'private message' a dead person?

I've just been to see a fortune teller and she told me that this month I'm going to win a fortune on the lottery. She then looked at her Crystal ball and said, "And in December........... well that's amazing...... and they say lightning never strikes twice." I said, "What, I'm going to win the lottery again?" and she said "No, you're going to get struck twice with lightning."

I was having a discussion with a man in the pub who had his child with him, things got a bit heated, and he said "Why don't you just Foxtrot Oscar?"
Which is strange as I cant dance, and my name isn't Oscar.

I'm moving to heaven.
Apparently there's jobs there.

My wife was about to walk out the door with her bags when I said, "Please darling, give me one more chance. I promise to do all the housework from now on, I'll cook your dinner every night and even pleasure you every night without wanting anything in return."
"Are you going to start this tonight?"
"Yes of course, just don't leave me."
"Ok, I'll be back soon then. I'm just nipping round to my mothers to lend her my suitcases for her holiday."

My wife text me at lunchtime and asked what I was up to.
I said ''Just been shopping and now getting a Mcdonalds''
She replied ''Ooh, Is that for Christmas?''
''Don't be daft'' I said ''It would be cold by then''

Just got fired from my first day at the hairdressers...
It seems I misheard the lady who wanted perm in her hair...