"Happy birthday son!" My wife and I cheered as we walked into his room.
"And we've got you the present you asked for!" I said with a grin.
"Thanks guys!" he yelled as he closed his eyes and held out his hands.
I looked on bemused as my wife pushed past me and actually handed him a present.
"Perfect!" he beamed as he unwrapped a set of headphones, "Beats!"
With a confused look on my face I just slowly rolled my sleeves down.

I just saw that most bandages are sterilised. They must not be doing that great a job at it.
There's little bandages all over this shelf.

Just read this story on FML:
"Today, while I was out, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide & seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As i was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign."
Alright, own up, which one of you was it?

I was approached by a Rasta in town today who asked me if I believed in the almighty power of Jah. I told him what I always tell the wife.
Push down firm and twist the lid hard.

I asked my mum what she wanted for her birthday.
She said she wanted a sky box.
As luck would have it I've just had sky fitted and I have still got the box.

After reading the headlines youngsters killed in smash!
I`ve decided that my kids will only be having chips or boiled potatoes from now on.

I was driving home from work one day, when i noticed for the first time ever that my cigarette box had messages on them. Mine read "Smoking harms you and others around you".
Whilest reading this i totally forgot that i was driving, and before i knew it the car was spinning through the air and car tyres were screaching everywhere. I got out of the car. Carnage. Cars everywhere destroyed and people in agony or dead.
But all i could think was "Well they got the you part wrong"

Stealing male sheep wasn`t what i had in mind when my mate asked me to go on a ram raid with him.

I've been really confused by adverts for this crime thriller novel all over train stations at the moment. It goes:
"He washed them, he dressed them...but first, he killed them"
Sounds like the biography of a confused seafood chef to me.

I was on the bus the other day, when a guy came up to me;
"How long's the Bournemouth bus gonna be mate? I got a connection to make."
Apparently "About the same length of this one" wasn't the response he was looking for.

I've just come back from a holiday in Amsterdam. Whilst I was there I visisted a brothel where the proprietor asked me if I'd like to take advantage of their "two for the price of one" promotion.
I politely declined and told her that I thought that two was a little bit too old.

Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan has denied any wrongdoing in the
Fort Hood shooting:
"All I said was, Who wants my Loaded magazine?
13 people put their hands up, so I let them have it."

American Express taking care of mistresses since 1978.
Isn't that the kind of servicing you want from a credit card?

People are always trying to raise the awareness of cancer.
But what is so important about people who are born in July?

From Sky News: "Tiger handler mauled at celebrity dinner".
Someone needs to have a word with that guy before his career goes down the pan completely.

I was in an old Edinburgh boozer when the barman asked: "What'll it be, son?"
I replied: "Lothian's finest Scotch, double."
Imagine my dismay when The Proclaimers wondered in, guitars and all.

The police were at the door, "Can we have a quiet word Mr Smith, we've information about a paedophile operating down your street?"
"Information?" I replied.
"Yes, we think the best view of it will be from your bedroom window."
So shutting the door I winked, "You fellas are too kind, thanks for the tip!
I'll have my tissues handy for later."

As I was laying my jacket across a puddle to allow my blind wife to cross the road I thought to myself, 'chivalry certainly isn't dead.'
But she is after I failed to notice the number 6 bus.

Steven glances out his window and sees his neighbour Fred. Fred has his pick-up truck backed to his door, and a refrigerator blocking the doorway. Obviously the fridge is being moved and help is needed, so Steven rushes to help his red-faced neighbour.
"Need a hand with that refrigerator, Fred?" asks Steven as he throws himself into the task. "Sure do! This thing weighs more than I thought!"
Fred and Steven throw their arms around the appliance. With sweat rolling down their faces, they grunt and strain as the fridge moves a quarter of an inch then stops. They reposition their arms. The fridge barely sways even though both men are winded. After wrestling with the stubborn refrigerator for a full ten minutes, Steven gasps "Fred, I don't believe we're ever going to get this thing in the house." "In the house!" exclaims Fred, "I'm trying to get it in the truck!"

Just sold my flat the other day for a really good price and it couldn't have happened at a better time!
Because my landlord is now taking me to court.

I was thrown out of Chess Club yesterday.
The girl I was playing said, "Are you going to make a move?"
So I slid my hand up her skirt.

My house was raided last night by immigration officials. They told me my tenants were illegal immigrants and that I must have noticed something by the fact that they didn't speak a word of English.
I told them I didn't know what they were talking about.

Argos are having their biggest ever furniture sale.
I just bought a 20 foot long sofa.

Apparently, plucking hair out of a mole is completely painless.
I disagree. The one in my garden starting squealing and ran back to it's hole.

Headline: 'Friendly fire' killed Brit soldier.
Which to me doesn't sound too friendly.