My boss keeps telling me to "pull my socks up".
I hope he stops saying it, they're past my knees now and I'm walking like a spaz.

BBC News: Martinez in frame for Villa job.
I wonder if he's the same thieving git who broke into my Villa last year?

My wife was very excited when I said I was taking her to see the Northern Lights.
She seemed less enthusiastic as we drove past the Blackpool Illuminations.

Bob is rushed to hospital with serious injuries.
"Are you married?" asks the doctor.
"No," says Bob, "I got run over by a bus."

My neighbour knocked on the door this morning she said, "I couldn't sleep last night, your fireworks were banging."
I said, "Oh cheers, I'm glad you liked them."

The wife rang me earlier and said:
"You'll never guess who I saw today."
"There's not much incentive to try then" I said as I put the phone down.

"Hey, I'm 8 and a half inches, lets meet up?"
Sorry, I don't hang around with midgets

When I was in the supermarket yesterday I saw a sign saying, "If every Sainsbury's customer recycled their cereal box, 750 tonnes of cardboard would be re-used every year. That's the equivalent to 101 double decker buses."
It made me realise that I need to make some significant changes to my lifestyle.
Starting by not using buses anymore now that I've found out that they're made from re-used cardboard.

I went to the local A.A. meeting earlier. After sitting there for a couple of hours, I thought to myself "I wish these people would stop crying about alcohol so I can get around to fixing my cracked fuel manifold gasket."

The wife told me earlier that I was small in the trouser department.
I think she'll find my inside leg is an average size actually.

The wife said she wished I was more spontaneous.
She soon changed her mind when I launched the TV out of the window during Emmerdale.

I was on the motorway when I saw a sign that said, "Don't drink and drive!"
So, I pulled over on the hard shoulder and died from dehydration.

My Nan asked me to take her shopping today.
I was always brought up to respect your elders, so I grabbed her trolley and legged it.

I went into the 'Psychics' tent at the fair.
After an hour long lecture on thermodynamics, I wished I'd read the sign more carefully.

Saw this really fit bird on the train last night, I asked if she was single.
She said no, I'm return.

BBC news: Prince welcomes Queen to RAF base
I didn't realise the RAF were so into their musicians

I couldn't find the milk this morning, so I glued a picture of it to a child.

After examining the wife thoroughly, the doctor said:
"Come back in three weeks and bring your faeces, please."
Three weeks later, I was dropping her off at the doctor's just before her appointment:
"Well, good luck, Babe," I said. "I'm sure everything'll be fine. By the way, what's in the suitcases?"

Took my son out camping for the first time and entrusted him to just pack the bare necessities.
Now we're stuck here for two days with nothing but honey and berries.

My boss said to me today
"You can't bring your dog in to work"
I told him "It's not actually going to do any work"

A guy goes up to a kiosk:
"I need something for a cough."
"Tipped, non-tipped or roll-ups?"

I got on a bus last night. The female conductor said, "Hold very tight please."
... I'm due in court next month.

My sister had a baby yesterday so I went to Clintons this morning to get her a card.
"Did she have a girl or a boy?" asked the girl behind the counter.
"Of course she did." I replied.

"How can we take our relationship to the next level?" I asked my new girlfriend.
"Meet the parents?" she suggested.
That's why I think I've fallen for her, I'd never have thought of just watching a DVD.

It didn't turn out as expected when my boss told me I was going to be his right-hand man.