I said to the wife, "my mate covers so much ground on the football pitch."
"Full of energy is he?" she asked.
"Nah" I said, "he's 19 stone."

I hate playing hide and seek with little children. You've always got to pretend you can't see them.
But my niece found a great place. I'll give her a few more minutes at the bottom of the swimming pool before I go and act all surprised.

After the service on Sunday, the vicar atmy church said, "Please give all you can on your way out, coins are helpful but notes are especially welcome".
I was going to chuck in a couple of quid but I whistled a tune on my way out instead.

my teacher ether loves me or he's a peado.
he keeps putting kisses next to my work.

My wife said she's leaving me cause I never believe a word she says
She'll never leave me

My girlfriend told me I could 'smash her back door in' yesterday.
Apparently I misunderstood.. and now her parents are charging me for criminal damage

The doctor just told me I have HIV. Didn't realise I was allowed to drive long distance lorries.

I was walking down the street and a driver pulled over and asked me if I knew where Effingham was.
Was" Next to the effing bacon" the wrong answer?

I was doing a crossword puzzle the other day and one of the clues read: "A child molester." The word was five letters long, started with a P and ended with an O.
Now how did the The Times know my name was Pedro?

What happened this summer has cost the city of Manchester millions, and has ruined the city's proud reputation....
The signing of David De Gea.

"I'm taking the missus to see Dr Hook at the weekend."
"Blimey.. I didn't know they were still going."
"What? Oh, not the rock group... It's what I call the guy who works at the Abortion Clinic.

I'm on an adult dating website lots of women inbox me after they read my username, 'One foot and proud.'
They're all quite shocked when we meet up and see I've got one leg.

I just had my first gym session with a personal trainer, he set my plan for me to squat and then curl....
I failed to understand gym speak and got told to "pick up my mess and leave!"

A girl came up to me in a club and said, "I've just bought a new king-size bed and I need someone to help me test-drive it"
Imagine my disappointment when I got back to hers and it wasn't one of those race-car beds.

I have a degree in cooking
Another 200+ and I'll be able to bake something.

I was walking down the high street when a guy came up to me.
"Excuse me sir." he said, "I'm doing a survey, would you like to take part?"
I replied, "No thanks, standing around with a clipboard asking questions to strangers isn't really my thing."

I've recently moved with my family to a new area and thought I'd try some of the local pubs.
I walked in to the Bulls Head and asked the barman, "Are kids allowed in here mate?".
"Yes, until 8pm", he replied.
"Great", I said, as I ushered my young goat in, "What about Foals?".

I was having a bit of trouble with my sleeping arrangements at Glastonbury. When a fit bird dressed in hot pants came over.
She asked, "Is this the first time you've pitched a tent?"
I said, "No love, it happens everytime I see a girl in hotpants."

My neighbour came round today:
"Alright mate, can I borrow your tubs to do my decorating"
"Of course, she's not very good with a paint brush though"

I saw a black guy running down the road towards me, quickly followed by a group of white men. Thinking fast, I did what any patriotic white man would do and rugby tackled him to the ground. Instead of praising me, the white men were furiously shouting at me ..
.. something about "ruining their marathon" ?

The girlfriend asked me if I ever thought about having children.
Apparentley 'in every position imaginable' was not an appropriate response.

When the girl I've been dating invited me up to her flat for a coffee I thought that my luck was in, but I've never been so disappointed.
She only had decaffeinated.

I was on the plane to Spain with my mate, then he showed me his brand new iPhone.
I said, "That must have cost a bomb."
I really regret saying that now.

I was driving over a bridge the other day when the wife called. I stopped the car and answered the phone.
She said." Hi. Just want make sure you're dropping the kids off?"
I looked at the river below. I said." Sure?"
And that is how the misunderstanding came about.

My wife said she'd like to try swinging.
So I hung her.