I was on my half hour dinner break yesterday when this fit blonde piece came up to me she said,"excuse me have you got the time?"
I replied,"Sure, I've got about ten minutes."

I met a Nigerian man in the pub last night who told me that he is in charge of the 419.
I didn't believe him though; he looked far too rich to be a bus driver.

"You'd make an ideal lesbian" I said to my wife.
"Why?" She said, "Is it because I'm a gentile lover?"
"No" I replied, "You're fat and have spiky hair."

My mate asked me 'What is your opinion on euthanasia?'
'Well' I said, 'I prefer whites, but a child is a child'
I dont think thats what he meant.

"Daddy, daddy! What are those wet rings under your armpits?" asked my daughter.
"Well, er.....they're sweat patches darling" I replied.
"I had no idea you were trying to quit"

I don't get kids today, I mean it's good they've noticed I've have my drive re-tarred but do they have to shout it at me when I'm polishing my Prius?

I must be a realy good photographer, All of my friends ask me to take the group photos.

What's the difference between a goth and an emo?
A goth wears make up and black clothes, the other used to be found on the end of Rod Hull's arm.

Sky Sports News: Katie Price has admitted she has been training all of her life for the Ride her Cup, and was shocked when she found out it was a golf tournament.

My eight year old son came home today he said, "Dad did you do hamlet at school?"
I said, "No son, cigars were to expensive, we smoked Lambert and Butler."

I was about to go and meet my mates in the pub when my girlfriend appeared, naked, and said, "Are you sure you want to go out? I'll let you ride me like a cowboy if you want..."
I smiled and said, "That sounds good to me. I'm gonna go to town on you..."
She was absolutely exhausted afterwards, but I saved twenty quid on a taxi.

I've got this new job working on a farm, and earlier I was standing with a cow looming over me. The farmer then shouted, "Well hurry up and milk it then!"
So I fell to the ground clutching my face.

My mum used to say, "Don't go near the railway line you might get sucked off."
I went down there everyday for eight years and not so much as a hand job.

My black neighbour knocked on my door this morning, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?" He asked.
I said, "Don't worry, I'll do it for you."
Next morning my neighbour saw me walking into the second hand shop with my mower in hand.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Oh, is this not what you were going to do?" I replied.

My girlfriend wants to talk about me drawing conclusions too quickly.
Five years we've been together. And now she just throws it all away for this?

The Physio asked me to show her what I meant when I said I was having problems stretching.
It was about 30 seconds later when I saw the look of horror on her face that I realised physio's don't do tight foreskins.

It was pouring down with rain the other night when the wife said:
"I've run out of tampons, pop down the shop and get me some more will you?"
"Have you looked outside?" I asked.
"Why would I?" she said, "if I've got any I keep them in the bathroom."

I heard the ice cream van in the street, the wife jumped up and said "My treat! What do you fancy?"
I glanced out of the window then replied "The little blonde with pigtails please"

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas.
"Something that goes round my finger, thats sparkly and I can show off too my family and friends" she said,
I think she'll love the LED YOYO I got her.

I don't understand why everyone seems to blame me for the death of that sword swallower-
he told us not to touch him during his act, he never said anything about waving a magnet in front of his neck.

"Oh! He's off!" shouted my mate.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well that's his second yellow! That means he's got to be sent off!" he said.
I shook my head, "This is the first time you've watched the Tour de France isn't it?"

Just got back from the North Pole. On closer inspection Mum's note says my train set is in the attic.

My girlfriend's expecting a ring on Valentine's.
To be honest, it's unlikely.
I'll probably have to take the wife out, so she'll have to be happy with a text.

The term 'paedophile' sickens me.. I'm an amateur gynaecologist that specialises in paediatrics

My wife said to me this morning that she would like a bit more adventure in the bedroom.
She's going to be well happy when she gets home later, I've put up an abseiling wall and a zip-line coming off the top of the wardrobe.