My nan has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
She said the one thing she wants to do before she dies is go on a cruise.
So I took her for one round town, with the windows down in my 1.3 Nova.

'Teen Gang Given 74 Years For Stabbing Death'
With a name like that she was asking for it.

Came home and said to my wife with a cheeky wink "Want to see something long and hard? It will keep you going for hours?"
"Sure" came the reply with a lick of the lips.
I handed her the guardian crossword and announced "Here, I'm off to the pub. Don't wait up."

A friend told me to lose some weight 'because society judges you if your bones don't stick out'.
... so I walked around town with an erection

My girlfriend has been missing for two weeks now and yesterday I got the phone call from the police that I'd been dreading, asking me to come down to the morgue with them to identify her body.
I was shaking with fear when the mortician pulled back the sheet, but after looking for a minute or two I shook my head and said, "It's not her".
"The genetic profile is an exact match Mr Roberts, would you like a couple more minutes to look".
"I don't need a couple more minutes, it's definitely not her", I replied, angrily, "I've seen my girlfriend every day for the last three years, don't you think I'd have noticed if she had a big hole in her skull?"

"Man found dead in his cell"
Great, let's see if he can find Wally now.

My mate said he wanted plenty of action on his birthday.
He should like this Die Hard box set I got him then.

Diving into the jacuzzi always lands me in hot water.

My daughter has told me her upcoming wedding is going to cost me 10,000.
I said, "How can it be costing me anything? I thought I was giving you away?"

A woman asked me to make a donation for the innocent victims of war today.
I gave her a pocket full of shrapnel.

My wife loves her handbags. She's got loads of them, all "designer", for every conceivable occasion.
But for some reason, she hates me referring to her as "the Bag Lady".

I went to visit my parents today for the first time in a while.
"How's it going, Mum?" I asked.
"Couldn't be better," she said. "And this may come as quite a shock to you, but we're having a baby."
"That is quite a shock," I replied. "But if Dad's fine, I'm up for it."

I went out on a date last night, The girl i took out didn't seem very interested at first, then she said
"What do you do for a living?"
I said, "I've got my own business, Sell fridges"
She was all over me after that, Women and domestic appliances.

The Murphys are giving their first dinner party in their posh new house. Once most of the guests have left, Mrs. Murphy asks her neighbour if she did everything correctly.
"It was perfect," says the neighbour, "well almost: there were no sugar tongs."
"Sugar tongs?"
"Well," says the neighbour, "when the men go to the toilet, very few of them wash their hands after handling their you-know-whats, and then they use their fingers to take sugar lumps from the bowl for their coffee. That's why you need sugar tongs."
Mrs. Murphy takes this advice to heart and after her next dinner party she asks her neighbour once again if she did everything correctly.
"It was perfect again," says the neighbour, "but why didn't you follow my advice about the sugar tongs?"
"I did," says Mrs. Murphy, "I hung them up right beside the toilet."

"A cup of tea is a lot more refreshing than a cool bottle of water on a hot summers day!" Promised one of my friends.
"The third degree burns i'm now feeling on my scalp and down my back disagree with you mate" I replied.

The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey centre and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and owls.When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favourite.
I said "The one with the mini skirt and nice cleavage"
I'm now single

Just heard the sad news that a friend of mine has died after choking on his own vomit.
Tragic. How desperate must you be to even consider eating your own vomit?

"Mrs. Brown," says the doctor, "what your husband needs for a full recovery is absolute peace and quiet."
"See?" says Mrs. Brown. "That's exactly what I tell him a thousand times a day."

Police have thwarted a gangland plot to shoot super-middleweight boxer George Groves in the ring.
That'd be a painful way to die.

I was looking for anagrams for the the word nuclear,
But exactly what i found was unclear.

Apparently I'm an underachiever.
I wish I knew what it meant.

I failed my CB radio practical exam today.
The instructor said "Do you copy?"
I said "No, but I've got the answers written on my hand."

I just phoned to see if my poor old mum had got home alright from shopping, after today's torrential downpour. My dad answered and said, "Yes, she's just come in absolutely drenched, shall I put her on the line?" I said, "No, let her dry out by the fire."

My Arabic wife was really stressed out from work and wanted try to get stoned one night.
So I took her back to Iran and accused her of cheating on me.

Me and my wife played a fun new game i think it's called 'silly questions'
She started with "Darling do you still love me after 10 years of marriage?"
I followed up with "Why do you never see a wasp having a dump?"