BBC Sport: "Oliver fails in 110m hurdles record bid"
No wonder, those are some pretty high hurdles...

Got to be hard to take, living in an East London block of flats that has a fully operational ground-to-air missile system and a broken lift

I was shopping for furniture when I noticed a ticket that said "Pull out and save up to 500.
"Surely pulling out saves more then that." I thought to myself

I saw Cheryl Cole today and told her I was going to destroy her.
See just laughed at me.
She won't be when the Sun newspaper print my photo-shopped picture of her laughing at a black down syndrome kid with cancer.

I was talking to a girl in the pub and she told me she a swallower.
"Wow..," I said, "Fancy giving me a demo?"
She nodded and we went out to her car.
Then she handed me the bag of swords.

Why are people so obssessed about the issue of child labour?
Surely it would make more sense to tackle the problem of kids getting pregnant in the first place.

I really miss my nan. She was such a wonderful lady.
Every day, I walk by her house and reminisce in the fond memories of my childhood.
Maybe I should pop in for tea one day and see how she's doing.

I was at a family wedding watching my wife going mad on the dance floor when a bloke came over.
"Looks like your wife's had a few too many!" he laughed.
I laughed too and said, "Yes, well the local bakery had special offers on all pies this week!"

When I got back to work after two weeks off with a broken leg, my boss told me that the head of human resources had requested a sick note, so I wrote to him saying that I like fingering dead babies.

My Grandad got a plate in his head during the war.
I think the Germans must have ran out of bullets.

I like checking out little girls.
Yes, my new job - stamping hands at the exit to Disney Land, is going well.

She said "Harder!"
I did that.
She said "Faster!"
I did that.
She said "Deeper!"
I philosophized.

I phoned up my brother to tell him that our parents had decided to move back to Ireland.
"Armagh?", he asked.
"Yes.. And our dad too."

I had just come through the front door when my girlfriend came racing up to me and whispered in my ear,
"You have something I want.....it's 7 inches long, pink, and in your trousers."
I looked back at her in disgust, and said "Get your own Euromillions ticket you tight cow!"

Just joined a gym. When asked what my goals were, I told them I wanted to look like Sylvester Stallone back in his prime. I've since decided to lodge a complaint though after the instructor just held my face against a radiator for half an hour.

"Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air." I actually tried this action. It was only after I cut off my hands that I realised I could no longer throw them.

my girlfriend just sent me a text saying "I < 3 U".
If i can remember my inequalities correctly,i believe it means "One is less than 3"
so i sent a reply saying "I agree"

I was arranging a date with a girl who worked in the army and she asked if I could pick her up at 2200 hours.
It's now 91 days and 16 hours later and tonight is my lucky night. Hope she's remembered.

My Brother-in-law told me he was going out for a run in his new car later.
How posh is that? A treadmill in your car.

My wife said, "Do you think this red blouse would make me look fat?"
"It depends how much of it you eat, I suppose."

I went to the bathroom at Mcdonalds and the sign said "employees must wash hands"
I waited for an hour but no-one came, so I washed my own.

I told my son it was ok for him to take a transformer to school for show and tell.
That was two days ago, and we're still without electricity.

I was sat in this big old room yesterday and saw this lady talking on a phone and she was waving in my direction. So I smiled and waved back at her.
She carried on talking on the phone and waved back. So I waved back again.
This went on for about five minutes until she scowled at me and walked off.
I then had to fork out 5,000 for a manky old vase.

My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.
My wife however, wants to keep it forever.

A guy at work today said that "gullible" wasn't in the dictionary.
What an idiot I have just had a look and it is.