A homeless man approached me today and said, "Have you got the price of a cup of tea mate?"
I replied, "Yeah, It's 50p at that cafe across the road."

I thought I'd see what all the fuss is about, and try snorting some 'bath salts' to get high.
All that happened was I got myself kicked out of The Body Shop.

The Wife Said She Was Leaving Me To Become A Hooker...
I Wonder What Rugby Team She's Gonna Play For?

My brother lost his job last month. I texted him yesterday to ask what he wants for his birthday.
'Couple of bucks would certainly come in handy,' he replied.
Two quid it is, then.

I saw an old lady who had dropped her purse. She tried so hard bending over to pick it up when she saw me and asked "excuse me young man, would you mind?"
Without hesitating I said "Of course", put my hands behind her head and forced her to bend all the way down.

My son came home in tears after school.
He said, "I got bullied today, the children stuck my head down a badger's hole."
"Right," I angrily replied, "Tell me where they live!"
He said, "They're on the school field."

I went camping for the first time today and my mate asked me to build a camp fire.
So before lighting it, I painted all the firewood pink and arranged it to look like a limp wrist.

I can't believe that Ken Barlow has admitted to sleeping with over 1000 women.
Poor Deirdre must be mortified.

Excitedly, I asked my dad if he could play T-rex for me. Smiling, he went to the cd player and started playing this 70's groove called 'Get it on' as he bopped up and down singing the words and gliding across the floor, as if he was some sort of rock god.
I don't think he noticed as I slipped back upstairs, clutching my cuddly dinosaur toy.

My girlfriend said that I have an obsession with Jonathon ross I simply told her she was "wong"

Skinny Jeans.
For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way.

My boss said, "You've been late into the store nearly every day since you started here. Well not any more. Do you understand?"
"Yeah I think so. You're going to make the opening times later."

These Adalia Rose jokes are getting old really fast, ironically so is she.

my new year's resolution is to tell more lies to people, Or is it.

BBC News: "Prison vote warning for May polls."
I really don't think a harmless bit of morris dancing will do these hard-nut serial killers any harm.

Just got back from my first weight watchers meeting. Everyone got on really well with each other. They laughed and joked and told stories about how they tried to lose weight.
I felt a bit guilty sitting on the balcony with my binoculars and popcorn

My Mum found me with dirty mags in my room.
"Mum i can explain."
"No be quite, thats disgusting, son."
"But mum there was no toilet paper left i had no choice."

It was my sons fourth birthday and we couldn't think what to give him. My wife said, "Why don't we give him Up."
I thought that's a great idea.
I had just finished packing his bags and put him in the car when my wife arrived back home with a Disney pixar dvd.

I was telling my wife how we should really buy a lottery ticket this week.
"Roll over?" she said.
Now I'm on the floor.

"Nurse come quick" I screamed, "We need help over here now!"
"What's the matter?" She shouted as she ran down the corridor towards us,
"The vending machine" I replied, "It has taken our pound coin."

"I can sleep for England."
Apparently isn't a good enough excuse as to why I fell asleep at my sentry-post.

The cream I just had with my coffee wasn't as 'brill' as the tub said.

Marrage: A misunderstanding between two people.

i was doing a crossword and asked my mate what 6 down was- "Combustion is rife".
"Fire" he said.
And that misunderstanding is what led to me losing my job as a gunner in the Royal Navy.

The other day, I was walking down the road when I realised somebody was following me. Being scared, I started to run and so did he.
He shouted "stop, Police!"
What an Idiot! My name's Paul.