I was in the shopping centre car park the other day and I saw this man park in the disabled area. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him.
I was so angry that I ran him over!
Then his wife got out and started waving her crutches at me!

I sent a text to my wife by mistake, luckily it also contained a typo:
"I'm on my way to puck up my daughter at the park"
I received a text back saying "Okay, but I think you meant *pick..."
That was lucky.

On my first day of work the boss said, "If you have any problems, come to my office and let me know."
He was shocked when I popped in shortly after to show him my Genital Warts.

My wife asked me to pick her up after work last night.
Apparently, me driving by her office slowly and asking her "How much for a blowie?" was not what she meant.

Last night I pulled a fat chick....
....out of my way, so I could chat-up her fit sister.

Amy Winehouse apparently died after 'battling demons for years'.
Awesome way to go, if you ask me.

My Italian neighbour came up to me this morning and said, "I've died your-a-cat ginger."
"You dyed him? But he was ginger in the first place."
"Sorry, my english, she no-a-that good, I mean your-a ginger cat died. I hit her with-a-the lawnmower."

I got hit by a car in Paris the other day and a French guy came upto me and said "Cest la vie"
So I replied "La vie!"
But it didn't help.

Doctor told me I might die if I don't stop drinking.
I've been off it now for 3 days and I'm really having second thoughts.
I think I might be dehydrated.

I think my girlfriend's a bit of a science geek.
She stopped at her mate's yesterday and has just texted me to say that they'd 'spent the night experimenting'.

My wife winked and said, "If you're in the mood, you can if you want."
I said, "Cheers love, I'll be back at closing time."

I've always hated facial hair, but I must admit my Movember moustache is growing on me.

I was in the garden with my wife when she winked at me and said 'Do you want me to, you know, go down?'.
'Sure' I replied 'Just let me get my shovel'.

I suspected my girlfriend of cheating, and my worst fears were confirmed. I received a text saying she wanted to see other people.
But I soon realised I had nothing to worry about when I received another text 2 minutes later saying "Sorry babe, that text wasn't meant for you."

I was walking through the airport when a female customs officer directed me into a side room for a search. She began searching me and eventually reached my crotch...
"Careful" I said, "I don't want you to find my 12 inch concealed weapon"
She giggled seductively and carried on the procedure
"I told you to stay away" I screamed before pulling the knife from my trousers and stabbing her.

I am very happy today.
I have just overheard my parents saying they think I have special knees.

My 5 year old daughter got out of the bath last night, she then came downstairs with her underwear in her hands and said
"Daddy, can you put my knickers on?"
I replied
"No, they normally get stuck just above my knee."

I turned up at the beach painted blue with red pants and a white hat.
I wish I had read that text message more carefully.
My mates turned up in swimming trunks ready to go surfing.

We were out having a romantic dinner when my girlfriend said "I've been living with you for three years now, isn't there a question you want to ask me?"
"Yeah, when are you moving out?" I asked.

''I got fired from my job as a vet this morning for a spoonerism.'' I said to my mate.
"What's a spoonerism?" He asked.
"It's when you mix the first letters of two words up.''
"How could you possibly get fired for that?''
"Long story short, some woman brought in a litter of pups, concerned about the small ones health. Basically she was a scruffy but capable runt..''

Sven Goran Eriksonn admits interest in Chelsea managerial Vacancy.
Me too mate. I cant wait to find out who their next manager will be.

I was on Countdown and the letters round had finished. I was then asked to submit my answer.
"I've got nine"
"Really? Go on then..."
"Nine. N,I,N,E"

I was in a really loud nightclub last night when a gorgeous girl came up to me and shouted what sounded like, "Do you fancy Afuq?"
I leant over and, with my mouth to her ear said, "I doubt it, with a name like that I'm guessing that she's a filthy Arab".

"Come on in," I said to the neighbour at the front door.
"I'd rather not," she said, "I've got dirty feet."
"That doesn't matter," I said. "You can keep your shoes on."

I went to visit my Scottish cousin in the summer holidays.
I asked, "What shall we do tomorrow?"
He replied, "Do you fancy going to shoot some hoops?"
I thought, that's a great idea.
I turned up in my Michael Jordan top with my basketball.
He turned up in his Rangers top with a gun.