"How do you take your coffee?" Asked my mates mum.
"I usually drink it" I replied, "But if you've got something more kinky in mind I'm all ears."

I've just seen hundreds of Chinese people queuing up outside the Red Bull factory.
Something about wanting their free jewellery.

On holiday in France, I ran out of batteries for my mp3 player, and so I went to buy some. After trying 6 different shops with no luck,, I eventually arrived at a bar and thought i'd see if they had any. I walked up to the bloke at the bar and said, "Hi, i'm looking for batteries".
"Ah, Oui", he said, "wait here a moment". He went away and came back with another bloke. Then the other bloke comes up to me and says "Bonjour, How can I help?".
"I am looking for batteries" I said.
"Oui, I am Patrice" he said,

For ages I've been donating to Help For Heroes in honour of my nephew.
Turns out he works for PC World and his job is soldering.

My wife left me because I made the house into a giant gift.
She said I'm not living in the present.

My wife first fell for me when I showed her how good I was in the bedroom department....
....although I think she really just wanted me for my Ikea employee discounts.

I've just had a text from my girlfriend saying she's woken up to a good eight inches this morning.
Funny old weather, I only live two roads down and it's hardly even snowing here.

I was at the bar the other night nursing a beer
My nipple got quite soggy

What's the most confusing part of the day for the medical staff in a Sikh hospital ?
Visiting time at the head injury clinic.

I was showing a couple around one of my agencies properties today.
After the tour, they were both really impressed.
"Lets talk figures," Said the guy.
"Okay," I replied, "I have four Action men, a Buzz and a Woody, what about you?"

When we broke up my wife said she wanted to split everything straight down the middle.
Yet she cried like a baby when I dropped half of the cat on her doorstep.

A Muslim and a Jew are waiting at a bus stop.
The Muslim says "When's the bus due?"
The Jew replies "Alright now lets not be racist"

"So, I know you 'gotta catch 'em all', but what happens if you don't?" I asked.
"Well, there are 151 Pokemon in total, but you'll never get them all without hunting down the rare ones" he replied. "Many of the 151 Pokemon in your Pokedex can't be caught at all, and will need to be obtained by evolving into other Pokemon."
There was an awkward silence, before he added,"Oh, you meant your malignant tumours? Sorry. You'll die."

My mate asked me what my ringtone is.
I said " I've never seen it, but I'm guessing its a light brown."

After I boarded the plane, I sat down in my seat next to this old lady. I grasped the arm rest, being a little anxious.
"Nervous?" asked the old lady.
I replied, "Just a little."
"First time?" she asked.
I replied, "No, I've been nervous numerous times."

The Government is to introduce compulsory microchips for all dogs in England.
Morons. My Rover only likes Pedigree Chum.

It's my grandparents' diamond anniversary this week, and I suggested to my wife that we buy them some flowers.
"I wouldn't bother," she said, "They'll only die in a few days time."
"Fair enough," I said, "I'll start planning their funeral instead."

I asked my girlfriend last night what she wanted for Valentine's Day.
"Something shiny and fast that goes from 0-60 in five seconds would be nice," she replied.
So I've bought her a car roof.

When my old nan told me she had terminal cancer, I asked her what she would most like to do before she dies.
She said, "Ooh, I would love to go on the trip of a lifetime."
So as a surprise I've just put three in her tea.

I went and brought an attractive young girl to mine yesterday.
Seems a waste, but that gold has to be dug up one way or another.

I accused my wife of faking it last night, and I was right.
She wasn't sleeping.

I just text my friend, "You watch the England game?"
He replied, "No mate. Score?"
I said, "Nah, I wasn't playing"

It's amazing what some people keep from each other, my girlfriend rang last night and said:
"I can't talk for long babe, I've not got many minutes left."
I didn't even know she was ill.

I got really drunk at a fancy dress party last night.
Most of the night was a blur, but I kind of remember getting off with a girl dressed as a St Bernard.
It was a very convincing costume, she even had a basket in the kitchen.

I've seen tweets like "North London is Red", & "North London is White" which is odd as I've seen the demographics. North London is mostly black.