A mate who lives near Oxford rang me up this morning.
"Whitney's dead!" he exclaimed.
"Move somewhere more exciting then," I replied.

I misunderstood when I signed up to do carpentry. They said we'd be playing with wood all day and making joints.

I was out last night and I met this really attractive girl. We were chatting and it came out she was only 16 years old. I felt a bit uncomfortable but she seemed very mature so I relaxed. After a lot of drinks and flirting she told me to "take her home and make her feel like a real woman".
So I punched her in the head and chained her to the oven.

I was always told to follow my dreams, and since I do nothing but dream about the fit young blonde next door, it doesn't make me a stalker.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Okay, forget it."

My girfriend has decided to do a night school course on "How to become a more independent person."
She said "Maybe we could go together?"
I think she may have missed the point.

Today just isn't my day..
Just before, I was in our room doing some work on the computer, and i accidentally knocked my pen off the desk and, as clumsy as I am, I banged my nose on the drawer. It was bleeding A LOT, so I grabbed the nearest piece of cloth to stop the blood..
Then my wife came in and she wasn't impressed to catch me in our room with a pair of blood covered knickers over my nose...

I'm a gentleman. Just this morning, I held a gate open for an old lady. I think she said thank you, but I couldn't hear because there was an alarm going off somewhere. Anyway, when I turned round, she'd gone.
She must have jumped on the train that was speeding past.

My wife was flicking through holiday brochures and asked "What would you say to a short cruise?"
"I'd probably say 'can I have your autograph please Tom?'" I replied.

I went to an interview for a job at the local fish mongers yesterday.
I didn't get it. Their idea about how to "bone a fish" was very different to mine.

Everybody makes mistakes, take god for example. When the first European's prayed for all black men to be hung, there must have been a slight mix up.

I asked my wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"Ooh, I don't know," she giggled, "Surprise me!"
So I've got her an inflatable crocodile. She'll never be expecting that.

After months of putting up with my daughter's begging I've finally agreed that she can have a barbie for Christmas.
I prefer a traditional turkey roast myself, but it will be worth it to see the smile on her little face when I put those flame grilled sausages on her plate.

Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee.
"Excellent coffee, to be sure," says Paddy.
"Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil."
"That's great," says Paddy, "and it's still warm as well."

Scientists have discovered sausages can cause cancer!
If you're daft enough to smoke 20 sausages a day then it's your fault.

I saw the song "Dirty Talk (Clean Version)" on Spotify
So normal talking then?

When I asked my Dad what he wanted for Father's Day he pulled himself up in his hospital bed and whispered,
"Son, I know it's a big ask, but the one thing you could give me is a kidney."
"Not a problem," I replied without hesitation. "You know I'd do anything for you".
"Bless you son", he responded, tears running down his cheeks as he pulled me close enough to hug.
God knows how I'm going to break it to him that the butcher's was closed when I visit him this evening.

There's a new foreign guy who's just started at work, who all the girls are going mad for.
I went up to the office fatty, and asked "So, do you fancy Emile?"
The tubby cow said, "Well, I've just eaten a McDonald's, but yeah, why not?"

flying is simple. You just throw your self at the ground and miss.

Abu Hamza has said he wants Muslims to "follow Osama Bin Laden"
I agree, they should be dead

It's offical, June was the wettest ever.
Does anyone know where she lives,I'd loved to meet her?

I stopped celebrating as soon as I realised I'd misunderstood the news my girlfriend broke to me earlier.
...I thought she meant Spears.

It's not like I killed her.
If anything she should be thanking me!
At least now she can park anywhere she wants.

We stopped at one of those 'Pick your Own' farms today and were allowed to fill a basket for five pounds.
Bargain. Even if it did take us 4 hours to chop that cow up.