A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Just walked past a pub sign that read "Three courses 15.50"
Feel sorry for all those students paying about 9 grand for one.

When I was at school, I once had to do homework on historical landmarks of England.
I remember nearly falling to my death from the top of St Paul's Cathedral.

I've been practicing my hammer throwing ready for the Olympics.
Now I'm banned from B&Q.

My wife asked me, seeing as I am a bit of a joker could I provide some light humour at one of her dinner parties.
I agreed and stood there flicking the switch on and off for half hour.

Has anyone else thought of going up to girl in a bar and saying, "Get your rat out love"
Don't bother.

I drove a fit drunken girl home in my taxi tonight, and when we arrived at her house, she told me she had no money, but could settle the debt in another way as she began to slide her knickers down past the skimpy little skirt she had on.
"Sorry luv," I replied, "You're going to have to pay with money, I can see those will never fit me."

I took my girlfriend into a florist's, picked up a bunch of flowers and said, "I'm sorry I cheated on you." She managed to break out into a little smile.
I then put them down, grabbed her hand and walked out again.
She said, "Erm.. Aren't you going to buy me a bunch then?"
"No. It's 'say it with flowers', not 'say it with flowers, then buy them'."

I went to the hairdressers the other day. She asked me how I would like my hair cut and I replied, "In complete silence!"

CNN NEWS: "Seal Kills Bin Laden"
What a career change eh!
From international pop star to.. international hitman..
Well, suppose if anyone can... a black man can!

My girlfriend just text me saying: "Come home now if you want an extravaganza ;)"
I'm really excited, I don't even know what a Vaganza is.

My girlfriend asked me why I don't like spending too much time with foreplay.
I asked her to strongly reconsider renaming our son.

It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid.
At meal times I was always told off for speaking with my hands full.

My wife phoned me and said; "I'm never gonna dance again..."
"Guilty feet have got no rhythm?" I asked.
"No" she replied, "I've been hit by a van."

I saw an advert: Dog for sale, eats anything, fond of children.
I may sue for false advertising, I bought it a week ago I can't get it to eat any kids.

I was in the pub and asked my mate if he remembered the theme to 'Jaws'.
"Yeah." He said, "It's mostly about a big shark that eats people."

BBC NEWS: Brave Laura Robson undone by super Maria Sharapova
I wished.

I rang my solicitors up yesterday 'Murphy, Murphy, Murphy and Murphy'
I said to the man on the other end "Can I speak to Mr Murphy please?"
He said "Sorry, he's with another client at the moment"
So I asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?"
To which he replied "I'm sorry he's just away from his desk at the moment"
Then I asked "Can I speak to Mr Murphy then?"
"I'm sorry he's just on the phone" he replied
I then asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?"
He said "Speaking"

My pregnant wife just phoned from the hospital to say she'd lost the baby.
I told her to check down the back of the settee.

My dyslexic mate just rang and told me there's been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in London.

I saw a leaflet that said, 'Smoke free in 30 days.'
That sounds like a good deal, I'm sick of paying for them.

I was stood in the train station this morning when a girl slipped onto the lines and got her foot stuck. "Help!" She screamed. "I don't want to die this way!"
So I ran over and slit her throat.

"It doesn't mean anything, honey! 'Oh God' is something all women shout in bed!"
Joseph was not convinced.

I met a lady at the bus stop, "So then, getting the bus?" I asked.
"Well, what does it look like?" she said angrily.
I replied, "Emm, it's a big blue and white thing with loads of people on it!"

I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.