Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him.
"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"
"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the beard."
"I don't have a beard," says the guy.
"No, but the wife does."

I was sat in a cafe earlier when a blonde looked up to catch me watching her eat her banana.
She started sucking on it, gave me a wink and said, "Teasing you, am I?"
"You sure are" I replied, "I could murder a banana right now."

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?" I said, "America."

My girlfriend rang me; "Is everything okay, babe? You seem a bit off."
"You're too fat" I said, "I want you to lose a few stone."
"Well if that's the way you feel, I won't be round anymore."
Good girl, I knew she'd give it a go.

The police were at my door,
"Mr Smith, we want to interview you about raping a girl on a seaside bouncy castle. What do you have to say?"
"What a fun but unusual way to be interviewed."

My wife had hiccups this morning.
"Sometimes a shock works" she moaned.
"Ok" I said. "Are you ready? 1... 2... 3..."
And I told her I was moving in with my secretary.

I was walking with my Husky this morning when we were approached by a strange looking fellow.
"That dog would make me a lovely coat!" He evilly laughed whilst rubbing his hands together.
"I doubt it mate" I replied, "he's never even used a sewing machine."

I asked the wife earlier what she wanted for Christmas.
"Oooh, I don't know. Maybe something cool, sparkly and tasteful," she said with a wink.
Excellent I thought. Bottle of 7 Up it is then.

My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour.
"You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" She said.
So I went and bought a pair of trainers from Primark.

I was in a lap dancing club at the weekend and was enjoying myself until this 15 stone fat chick came dancing on the table in front of me.
"Strong legs that, hey?" I said to the bloke next to me.
"Huh, she's fat," he replied.
"No mate, I meant the table," I said.

I went into a DIY shop.
I said: "I'd like a mousetrap. Please be quick, I have a train to catch."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any that big," he replied.

I can't understand why people think capital punishment is too harsh, I was in London only this weekend and it wasn't THAT bad.

My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He said, "Running away."
"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?"
"Errrrrrr.....Spain" he replied.
"Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"
He said, "I don't know, mummy didn't say."

I signed up for this 'Kony 2012' campaign earlier today...
I can't wait to start kidnapping, raping and pillaging!

My boss rang me this morning.
"You've got a meeting in five minutes," he said. "We need you to make this. Where are you?"
I said, "On the way to my car as we speak."
"Right," he said. "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

I looked out of our window today and said to the wife...
"It's like rush hour outside"
"What, lots of traffic?" She replied
"No, there's a black and Chinese guy running down the road in pursuit of a criminal."

"An eye for an eye turns the world blind."
Look on the bright side, everyone gets a dog.

I took a bird and her baby for a picnic on a cliff.
I was trying to slip my hand in her knickers when she stopped me and said, "No, not until the baby drops off."
So I kicked him over the edge.
The look on her face suggested that's not what she meant.

A friend of mine recently told me that he was "in the closet" until the was 23.
That must have been the longest game of hide and seek in history.

My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance.
Well it's her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I'm pleased to say I've already bought her her present.
She's going to love these flowers.

I said to my wife last night, "I fancy a takeaway."
She said, "Are you talking Chinese?"
I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?"

I was at the hospital today when the doctor said, "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
"I thought she was in a coma and in critical condition," I said bemused.
"She is," he replied, "but she's so fat, me and the other doctors use her like a beanbag."

There's a sign at the local pub that says 'Watch Football Live Here'
So how come after a match I get kicked out when I bring down my blanket and mattress

A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
"What can I do for you, Father?"
"I'm collecting for the orphanage."
"Just a moment," says the little girl, closing the door.
The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says:
"OK, you can take me now."