Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him.
"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"
"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the beard."
"I don't have a beard," says the guy.
"No, but the wife does."

I was sat in a cafe earlier when a blonde looked up to catch me watching her eat her banana.
She started sucking on it, gave me a wink and said, "Teasing you, am I?"
"You sure are" I replied, "I could murder a banana right now."

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?" I said, "America."

My girlfriend rang me; "Is everything okay, babe? You seem a bit off."
"You're too fat" I said, "I want you to lose a few stone."
"Well if that's the way you feel, I won't be round anymore."
Good girl, I knew she'd give it a go.

The police were at my door,
"Mr Smith, we want to interview you about raping a girl on a seaside bouncy castle. What do you have to say?"
"What a fun but unusual way to be interviewed."

My wife had hiccups this morning.
"Sometimes a shock works" she moaned.
"Ok" I said. "Are you ready? 1... 2... 3..."
And I told her I was moving in with my secretary.

I was walking with my Husky this morning when we were approached by a strange looking fellow.
"That dog would make me a lovely coat!" He evilly laughed whilst rubbing his hands together.
"I doubt it mate" I replied, "he's never even used a sewing machine."

I asked the wife earlier what she wanted for Christmas.
"Oooh, I don't know. Maybe something cool, sparkly and tasteful," she said with a wink.
Excellent I thought. Bottle of 7 Up it is then.

My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour.
"You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" She said.
So I went and bought a pair of trainers from Primark.

I was in a lap dancing club at the weekend and was enjoying myself until this 15 stone fat chick came dancing on the table in front of me.
"Strong legs that, hey?" I said to the bloke next to me.
"Huh, she's fat," he replied.
"No mate, I meant the table," I said.

I went into a DIY shop.
I said: "I'd like a mousetrap. Please be quick, I have a train to catch."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any that big," he replied.

I can't understand why people think capital punishment is too harsh, I was in London only this weekend and it wasn't THAT bad.

My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He said, "Running away."
"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?"
"Errrrrrr.....Spain" he replied.
"Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"
He said, "I don't know, mummy didn't say."

I signed up for this 'Kony 2012' campaign earlier today...
I can't wait to start kidnapping, raping and pillaging!

We were walking down the street when a hooded youth popped up from nowhere, grabbed my wife and put a knife to her throat.
He looked at me and said, "Give me all your money or she gets it!"
I replied, "She already has all my money."

I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces.
The phone's fine though.

The car park I was in today had a sign which said "You will be charged after 2 hours".
"How kind," I thought as I parked my electric car.

I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.
Probably should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca.

On a train.
"Are you travelling to Manchester?"
"Yes."
"And what are you planning to do there?"
"Get off the train."

I walked into a cobblers and asked "Do you repair shoes?"
"Yes." said the cobbler.
"Good," I replied, handing him a shoe, "Can you find the other one for this please?"

I just drove past a sign that said "Watch for blind children".
That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids?

My boss rang me this morning.
"You've got a meeting in five minutes," he said. "We need you to make this. Where are you?"
I said, "On the way to my car as we speak."
"Right," he said. "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

I looked out of our window today and said to the wife...
"It's like rush hour outside"
"What, lots of traffic?" She replied
"No, there's a black and Chinese guy running down the road in pursuit of a criminal."

"An eye for an eye turns the world blind."
Look on the bright side, everyone gets a dog.

I took a bird and her baby for a picnic on a cliff.
I was trying to slip my hand in her knickers when she stopped me and said, "No, not until the baby drops off."
So I kicked him over the edge.
The look on her face suggested that's not what she meant.