A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and 22,398,750.78 in cash."
The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook....."

A young woman goes into the butcher's shop with her baby:
"My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?"
The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag:
"3545 grams ... without bones."

The text from my daughter read "OMG Dad, you have no idea how wet I am!"
My response was "Now you've said that I bet you've no idea how hard I am ;)"
She replied "It's raining... "

I was outside the school, eating a Twix, when I said to a small group of girls
"Anyone fancy a finger?"
And that your honour, is why it was consensual.

I've spent all afternoon getting ready for a house party.
I'm going as Hugh Laurie.

A workmate of mine recently got divorced and I've noticed he gets upset every time he sees the family picture I've got on my desk.
I think he misses them.

The wife knew I had today off and texted,
'Darling, can you do us a favour and bring some washing in for me?'
Boy is she going to be pleased..
I've been round all the neighbours and she must have 30 bags full to do.

My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she'd call the police.
"You wouldn't do that, would you?" I asked.
"Watch me," she replied.
"No. You said you'd call the police."

We were walking down the street when a hooded youth popped up from nowhere, grabbed my wife and put a knife to her throat.
He looked at me and said, "Give me all your money or she gets it!"
I replied, "She already has all my money."

I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces.
The phone's fine though.

The car park I was in today had a sign which said "You will be charged after 2 hours".
"How kind," I thought as I parked my electric car.

I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.
Probably should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca.

On a train.
"Are you travelling to Manchester?"
"Yes."
"And what are you planning to do there?"
"Get off the train."

I walked into a cobblers and asked "Do you repair shoes?"
"Yes." said the cobbler.
"Good," I replied, handing him a shoe, "Can you find the other one for this please?"

I just drove past a sign that said "Watch for blind children".
That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids?

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...
As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.

So I've got a new girlfriend.
She invited me round to her place for dinner the other night.
We were in the kitchen, just about to start making dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg.
Apparently, fingering her paraplegic daughter was not the right move....

I'm so proud of my African pen friend.
He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang on in there mate.

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'
It was as she pulled my trousers down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.
Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."

I think my wife is going insane.
She said "Honey, can you unload the dish washer please?"
Next thing you know, she'll be asking the marmalade to take out the bins.

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42.
She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!"
I said, "I am if you think about it."