I got a phone call last night to say that my wife had been in an accident.
I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse, "How is she, can I see her?"
She said, "I'm afraid you're too late."
I said, "Okay, no worries; I'll come back in the morning."

"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"
"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"
"No, but he always wanted to be."

I saw my ex pushing a baby down the street today.
We stopped, she nodded at the pushchair and said, "It's yours."
I said, "Oh my God... really?"
She said, "Yeah, really."
So I picked up the baby, threw it on the floor and walked away with my new set of wheels.

I keep seeing Facebook statuses like '8 - 2? Are you serious?'
The answer's 6, it's not that difficult

A guy at work asked, "Do you watch the Apprentice?"
I said, "Thank god, I'm not the only one, I actually found myself sneaking in to watch her on the toilet last week."
I'm off down the job centre in the morning.

If I had a pound for every time someone told me that I don't understand common sayings then I would have quite a few stone.

According to the news, some scientists are saying that the severe UK winter weather is actuallythebuildup to another ice age.

Personally I thought theyd run out of idea's for sequels by now, I mean how many more situations can that rat thing get itself into while chasing an acorn?

My mate said, "It's me and the wife's tenth anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."
"Sounds good to me, mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?"