Someone tried selling me a copy of the big issue the other day.
I said 'No thanks, this shoe fits fine'.

I went out last night and when I entered the first establishment of the night I noticed right away a beautiful girl across the floor. And she was dressed up in a uniform, saucy. After waiting for a few minutes nervously I realised it was about time I approached her. So I walked across, smiled and said, "Hey."
She just blew her lid and screamed at me, "What is it with you guys?! Every night I get slimy little men like you walking up to me, asking me for this or that. I've had it up to here with it. Just leave me alone!"
"Blimey," I said. "I only came in for a Big Mac and Fries."

I said to my wife this morning, "I don't think we should have turkey for Christmas this year, I think it's too dry."
"I know what you mean," she replied. "If it starts to rain, then shall we have it?"

"Never dip your pen in the company ink son."
Cheers Dad, that little piece of advice got me the sack on my first day at the registry office.

The other day, I was walking down the road when I realised somebody was following me. Being scared, I started to run and so did he.
He shouted "stop, Police!"
What an Idiot! My name's Paul.

My parents kept saying it was traditional for the men to be at the birth of the first born in our family, so I did think it strange?
My cousin's reaction when I arrived in the maternity room .. and his wife's.

After taking 3 hits of meth, I ran around in circles for 10 minutes before finally throwing up on girl #3 who then burst into tears.
I'm pretty sure I'm done with speed dating.

My dealer said we need to start doing business on the down low and try and take some of the heat away.
So now I lie on the floor selling crack with all of the windows open.

My wife's been saying she'd love to meet a real-life Mr Grey.
Stupid cow should've paid more attention when we watched Reservoir Dogs.

My wife sent me out to get a baby monitor for our newborn.
I got a 24 inch from Argos, it was the smallest they had.

English Proverb: As you make your bed, so you must lie in it.
Takes me ages changing the covers while I'm still laying on the bed.

The first time I saw the film cast away I spent the next three weeks screaming "WILSON" at every ball I saw
and that's why I'm no longer allowed in the men's locker room at the gym

My wife left me because of my non stop complaining and getting things mixed up in my head.
Good i was sick of her always moaning

That Frank bloke knows nothing about drugs, he couldn't even tell me where I could score some good hash.

My wife told me that she was in a lot of pain recently and eventually she asked me to get her some Opium.
It didn't relieve her pain, unfortunately. But she smells good.

My wife keeps telling me that i'm too organised,
Well shes not my wife yet but she will be in two years.

"Ronseal - It does exactly what it says on the tin"
Sounds like a failed condom company to me.

I failed a maths exam today when I couldn't answer the question, "Give an example of a compound number," despite spending more than 1 hour 10 minutes thinking about it.

I was listening to some loud music when my mum asked me to turn the speakers down.
They are now facing the floor.

I've got a date tonight with a girl I met online.She says she is a TV girl, and I love my soaps, so we should hit it off straight away.

A police car pulled me over on my way home from the pub last night. The policeman said, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to blow into this bag."
"Ah, come on mate, she's not that bad," I said, nodding to the WPC who was with him.

My boss came up to me at work earlier, and said, "I've got some bad news for you I'm afraid. At the end of this week, you'll be recieving your P45."
"That's strange," I thought as I walked away, "I always thought my skin was lovely and smooth."

Every time I meet a new person, and I end up shaking their hand while they say, "It's truly a pleasure to meet you."
I almost have a panic attack trying to locate their other hand.

I got stopped by customs at the airport earlier.
I was asked, "Sir, do you have anything to declare?"
"Yeah," I said. "The Jews are evil."

My psychiatrist is so understanding of my beliefs.
When I told him I was possessed by the spirit of the largest star in the night sky, he asked "Are you Sirius?"