My wife told me that she was in a lot of pain recently and eventually she asked me to get her some Opium.
It didn't relieve her pain, unfortunately. But she smells good.

My wife keeps telling me that i'm too organised,
Well shes not my wife yet but she will be in two years.

"Ronseal - It does exactly what it says on the tin"
Sounds like a failed condom company to me.

I failed a maths exam today when I couldn't answer the question, "Give an example of a compound number," despite spending more than 1 hour 10 minutes thinking about it.

Every time I meet a new person, and I end up shaking their hand while they say, "It's truly a pleasure to meet you."
I almost have a panic attack trying to locate their other hand.

My psychiatrist is so understanding of my beliefs.
When I told him I was possessed by the spirit of the largest star in the night sky, he asked "Are you Sirius?"

I got stopped by customs at the airport earlier.
I was asked, "Sir, do you have anything to declare?"
"Yeah," I said. "The Jews are evil."

I was listening to some loud music when my mum asked me to turn the speakers down.
They are now facing the floor.

My boss came up to me at work earlier, and said, "I've got some bad news for you I'm afraid. At the end of this week, you'll be recieving your P45."
"That's strange," I thought as I walked away, "I always thought my skin was lovely and smooth."

A police car pulled me over on my way home from the pub last night. The policeman said, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to blow into this bag."
"Ah, come on mate, she's not that bad," I said, nodding to the WPC who was with him.

I've got a date tonight with a girl I met online.She says she is a TV girl, and I love my soaps, so we should hit it off straight away.

I was at the safari park when I went into the tuck shop and said to the cashier...
"Yazoo?"
"Number one, this is a safari park." "Number two, do I look like I own the place?"

"Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me"
"Sting?" My wife asked
"No you stink" I snapped.

I went to the shops to buy some mint chocolates, but I didn't know what to get.
I spoke to the woman on the till. She said: "Do you like hard cores or the softer type?"
"Both, but I'm after the mints, love."

I arrived at work this morning to be met by my boss who said he would really like to see me.
I said "I'm really flattered, but sorry, I'm straight."

Java Diner- I'm told one of Reverend Spooner's favorite places to eat.

I was stood in church this morning when an old lady walked past
"Its nice out" she said
I thought she had a point, but when i got it out, the vicar asked me to leave!

My 4 yr. old is chasing the cat around & saying "Let me lick you"...I'm afraid he may have heard something last night he wasn't supposed to?

"Waiter! Why are there three flies swimming in my soup?"
"Sorry, sir, I don't know much about sport. Maybe it's some kind of medley relay?"

I was at a nightclub when I spotted a pretty blonde at the bar.
I went up to her and said, "Hey darling, fancy going on the floor and having a dance?"
She replied, "Oh you can, I'd rather stay on my feet if I'm honest."

My mate's sister asked me if I think it's ok to have a baby after 35.
I said, "Not really. I think 35 of them is more than enough."

"Sorry I'm late," said my girlfriend entering the restaurant.
"It's okay," I said with a smile.
"Thank god," she replied in relief, "I thought you'd be furious when I told you I'm pregnant."

Paddy is sitting at the bar looking depressed when his mate Liam comes in.
"What's up then, Paddy?"
"Just failed my driving test," says Paddy. "I got to this roundabout with a roadsign that said 30, y'know? So I drove round it 30 times."
"So how come you failed?" says Liam. "Did you miscount?"

The wife woke me up all excited this morning, wanting to know if I had rememered.
"Why don't you go down stairs and have a look?" I smiled.
"Oooh you big tease!" she giggled before running off.
I might have had to get up early to sort everything out, but I bet she remembers this pancake day for the rest of her life.

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Afterwards as we waited for the bill she said, "That waiter was really polite and helpful. You should leave a tip for him."
So I spilled my coffee on the tablecloth and threw a few biscuits around.