My mum lost her battle with Cancer yesterday.
She was spitting some sick rhymes though.

My friend has just got a new job as a radiographer.
I can't wait to tune in and listen to his show.

The wife woke me up all excited this morning, wanting to know if I had rememered.
"Why don't you go down stairs and have a look?" I smiled.
"Oooh you big tease!" she giggled before running off.
I might have had to get up early to sort everything out, but I bet she remembers this pancake day for the rest of her life.

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Afterwards as we waited for the bill she said, "That waiter was really polite and helpful. You should leave a tip for him."
So I spilled my coffee on the tablecloth and threw a few biscuits around.

Paddy is sitting at the bar looking depressed when his mate Liam comes in.
"What's up then, Paddy?"
"Just failed my driving test," says Paddy. "I got to this roundabout with a roadsign that said 30, y'know? So I drove round it 30 times."
"So how come you failed?" says Liam. "Did you miscount?"

A dictionary walks into a bar.
He goes up to the barman and bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" Asks the barman.
"I'm crying my eyes out here and all you care about is using me for definitions!"

My wife went absolutely ballistic when she got a tax bill for200, shouting, swearing & screaming like a lunatic.
I'm not playing Monopoly with her any more.

Just bought my third replica shirt from my beloved football club in kent after the first two got destroyed.
Finally learned my lesson though, never go home to my wife holding a bag with the initials KFC across it and not have any chicken.

I decided to have a gin and tonic earlier.
"Gordon's?" asked the barman.
"I'd prefer to have my own," I said.

I was suspended from work today after dress down thursday.
That,and banned from working with any of the women I de clothed during the course of the day.

"What's the matter love,you look really fed up?"I asked the girlfriend earlier.
"I feel like I'm living with a child."She moaned."When are you gonna man up and make an honest woman of me?"
"Well maybe this'll cheer you up."I said,grinning,and handed her a ring.
She immediately stood up,threw it back at me and ran out of the room sobbing.
Well pardon me for breathing! I thought to myself as I popped a fried egg in my mouth.

My mate asked me if I ever gambled.
I replied "Yes, every time I get a pie from the chippy"

Me and my wife were in Saudi Arabia and after seeing some temple she exclaimed " well, stone me!"
It was a shame that those Arabians did it before me.

Don't you just hate it when you're clothes shopping on the Internet and you see something you like only to find on closer inspection it's for women.
It was such a nice bikini.

Wife: I don't know what to get for stocking fillers.
Me: Feet?

My baby sister has gone missing and apparently it's my fault.
My Mum asked me to babysit whilst she nipped out and I made it very clear that I don't mind.

My mate phoned me up the other day, and said "have you been watching the ladies Ryder cup, its brilliant?"
I was disappointed when I found out it was Golf.

The cost of living is very high in a household like mine....
My kids have had to get jobs selling lemonade and if they don't give me all the money they earn, they die.

I took part in an egg-and-spoon race and won it with ease.
Those eggs and spoons had no chance against me.

I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises.
'Whats the best way to do chin-ups?' I asked.
'Hang on a minute...'
'Cheers,' I said and hung up.

I went into a hotel looking for a room for the night.
The Innkeeper says "The room is 15 a night. It's 5 if you make your own bed."
I replied "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper says "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

I was told that on my CV I need to be able to sell myself.
So I now used to be a gigalo.

I arrived late at the opera and as I was trying to find my seat some bloke goes, "Shhh!"
"Oh, sorry," I said. "Wouldn't want to wake anyone up, eh?"

I saw my ex the other day. Turns out she is married with a baby. What idiot marries a baby?

Bizarrely, my son has asked for a Wizard outfit for Christmas.
I didn't even know he was a fan of Glam Rock.