I went into a hotel looking for a room for the night.
The Innkeeper says "The room is 15 a night. It's 5 if you make your own bed."
I replied "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper says "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

I was told that on my CV I need to be able to sell myself.
So I now used to be a gigalo.

I arrived late at the opera and as I was trying to find my seat some bloke goes, "Shhh!"
"Oh, sorry," I said. "Wouldn't want to wake anyone up, eh?"

Bizarrely, my son has asked for a Wizard outfit for Christmas.
I didn't even know he was a fan of Glam Rock.

I saw a sign at a local restuarant the other day.
*Enjoy Authentic Ethiopian Cuisine for just 20!*
I thought that was a little bit steep for a grain of rice, but there you go.

It was my dying daughters wish to be on Top Of The Pops...
So I buried her on a couple of crates of Cherryade and Cola.

My wife said, "If you don't start taking drastic measures quick, you'll find this relationship over."
So I put the fridge on the kitchen scales.

My actor mate has posted on Facebook that he plans to top himself.
Well, I saw his performance of Hamlet which was truly outstanding. So I doubt if he can.

I saw my ex the other day. Turns out she is married with a baby. What idiot marries a baby?

I had a meeting with my job advisor today.
"Where have you applied for jobs?" He asked
"I tried the local bookies," I said.
"Any luck?"
"Yeah, I won a tenner on the 3:15 at York," I replied.

Whenever I'm asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same.
Lowry.

My mate posted a Facebook status saying 'Pop-up?'
I sent him a link which explained how to get ripped in 3 weeks.

My wife accused me of not fully understanding the English language.
In hindsight, I'm going to prove her wrong.

Caught the wife out last night,she wasn't faking it ,she really was asleep

My mum said she couldn't be bothered with all the fuss on her birthday, so just buy her a box of Black Magic.
I don't why she thought it wouldn't be fuss. I had to go to some pretty dodgy places to get chickens feet, bat's blood and voodoo dolls. I just hope she appreciates it.

"Germany to celebrate victory in Poland in 2012?"
Probably a little inappropriate and besides, if they've waited this long, why not wait a couple of years for the 75th anniversary?

My wife was looking glum so I asked what was wrong.
"I just want to hear you say you love me" she sighed.
So I said, "You love me"

So so happy, just got stopped down the road by two lovely looking young girls who told me they was having bets on how old I was..One said I was 29 and the other said 32...I was that chuffed that I put 50 quid in their charity box, though to tell the truth I have never heard of mythomaniacs anonymous before.

Sky News Headline - Veteran Swingers Promise Jolly Good Show
The band from Cuba...
Most misleading headline, ever.

Wife: "So, how do I look?"
Husband: "You look like a picture"
Wife: "Awwww what kind?"
Husband: "A landscape"

As a child, my parents always used to tell me never to answer back.
It certainly made school hard.

When my wife came home I spoke to her about our son.
"His heads all messed up," I said.
"He's a teenager... They're all a bit like that." She replied.
"No. The police just called.. He's shot himself in school."

My maths teacher used to love me when i was younger, she always used to put lots of kisses at the end of my sums.

I went to the casino last night and managed to pull a stunner. As we left together I pulled my keys out of my pocket, threw them towards the valet and shouted "Mine's the 2 seater Mercedes Benz round the back", with this she looked smitten at me, I could tell she was excited that I might be rich.
As the valet pulled up out the front in my Mercedes I looked at her again, but this time she looked horrified.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"You said you had a 2 seater" she replied.
"It is a 2 seater, haven't you been in a Sprinter before?"

My friend rang me yesterday, she was in hysterics. She's broken three nails already this week.
I think she needs a new hammer.