I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises.
'Whats the best way to do chin-ups?' I asked.
'Hang on a minute...'
'Cheers,' I said and hung up.

I went into a hotel looking for a room for the night.
The Innkeeper says "The room is 15 a night. It's 5 if you make your own bed."
I replied "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper says "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

I was told that on my CV I need to be able to sell myself.
So I now used to be a gigalo.

I arrived late at the opera and as I was trying to find my seat some bloke goes, "Shhh!"
"Oh, sorry," I said. "Wouldn't want to wake anyone up, eh?"

Bizarrely, my son has asked for a Wizard outfit for Christmas.
I didn't even know he was a fan of Glam Rock.

It was my dying daughters wish to be on Top Of The Pops...
So I buried her on a couple of crates of Cherryade and Cola.

My wife said, "If you don't start taking drastic measures quick, you'll find this relationship over."
So I put the fridge on the kitchen scales.

My actor mate has posted on Facebook that he plans to top himself.
Well, I saw his performance of Hamlet which was truly outstanding. So I doubt if he can.

I saw a sign at a local restuarant the other day.
*Enjoy Authentic Ethiopian Cuisine for just 20!*
I thought that was a little bit steep for a grain of rice, but there you go.

I had a meeting with my job advisor today.
"Where have you applied for jobs?" He asked
"I tried the local bookies," I said.
"Any luck?"
"Yeah, I won a tenner on the 3:15 at York," I replied.

Whenever I'm asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same.
Lowry.

My mate posted a Facebook status saying 'Pop-up?'
I sent him a link which explained how to get ripped in 3 weeks.

My wife accused me of not fully understanding the English language.
In hindsight, I'm going to prove her wrong.

Caught the wife out last night,she wasn't faking it ,she really was asleep

My mum said she couldn't be bothered with all the fuss on her birthday, so just buy her a box of Black Magic.
I don't why she thought it wouldn't be fuss. I had to go to some pretty dodgy places to get chickens feet, bat's blood and voodoo dolls. I just hope she appreciates it.

I spent yesterday sitting by a giant hole in the ground watching people fall in.
It was strange because by the time they dragged themself out, dazed and confused the only thing they all wanted to know was why I had chalk in my hand.

Jeopardy:
A: Rabbi's
Q: Something you get from a Jewish dog, foaming at the mouth?

"Germany to celebrate victory in Poland in 2012?"
Probably a little inappropriate and besides, if they've waited this long, why not wait a couple of years for the 75th anniversary?

I saw a teenager injecting himself with something suspicious the other day.
As I was a certified police officer - I went up to the boy, took the syringe away from him and threw him against the bonnet of my car.
"We have a name for people like you," I jeered.
"What is it, diabetic?" He asked.

Me and some of my mates were discussing the complexities of American TV series when my wife chipped in and said, "I don't get Lost!"
She's become so arrogant since she bought that Sat Nav.

Adopt a snow leopard for 3 per month?
What a scam!
Building a cage, habitat and feeding it is going cost far more than that.
How irresponsible are the WWF?
They should stick to the Wrestling arm of their business.

My friend rang me yesterday, she was in hysterics. She's broken three nails already this week.
I think she needs a new hammer.

I went to the casino last night and managed to pull a stunner. As we left together I pulled my keys out of my pocket, threw them towards the valet and shouted "Mine's the 2 seater Mercedes Benz round the back", with this she looked smitten at me, I could tell she was excited that I might be rich.
As the valet pulled up out the front in my Mercedes I looked at her again, but this time she looked horrified.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"You said you had a 2 seater" she replied.
"It is a 2 seater, haven't you been in a Sprinter before?"

My wife was looking glum so I asked what was wrong.
"I just want to hear you say you love me" she sighed.
So I said, "You love me"

So so happy, just got stopped down the road by two lovely looking young girls who told me they was having bets on how old I was..One said I was 29 and the other said 32...I was that chuffed that I put 50 quid in their charity box, though to tell the truth I have never heard of mythomaniacs anonymous before.