Adopt a snow leopard for 3 per month?
What a scam!
Building a cage, habitat and feeding it is going cost far more than that.
How irresponsible are the WWF?
They should stick to the Wrestling arm of their business.

Me and some of my mates were discussing the complexities of American TV series when my wife chipped in and said, "I don't get Lost!"
She's become so arrogant since she bought that Sat Nav.

I saw a teenager injecting himself with something suspicious the other day.
As I was a certified police officer - I went up to the boy, took the syringe away from him and threw him against the bonnet of my car.
"We have a name for people like you," I jeered.
"What is it, diabetic?" He asked.

Jeopardy:
A: Rabbi's
Q: Something you get from a Jewish dog, foaming at the mouth?

I spent yesterday sitting by a giant hole in the ground watching people fall in.
It was strange because by the time they dragged themself out, dazed and confused the only thing they all wanted to know was why I had chalk in my hand.

"Darling I'm knackered! If you want, you can have a chinese on me tonight," said the wife, before falling asleep.
I feel a bit bad eating it all now...
The doctors reckon the burns from the tinfoil containers will take years to disappear from her stomach.

My friend & i were walking back from the pub last night, when we saw a fire in Miss Jones kitchen.
"What shall we do?" i panicked
"I'll call the fire brigade, you knock her up!" he replied.
Looking back, it probably wasn't the ideal time to get someone pregnant.

"Can we do a roleplay for my French oral?" my 16 year old daughter asked me.
"We certainly can" I said, as I pulled my trousers down.

My wife looked up from watching the news and said, "I can't believe that the Queen is getting cosy with a murderer".
"You can't say that", I hissed, "There's no proof that Prince Philip had anything to do with Princess Diana's death."

Gillan and Adrian Bayford are the second biggest lottery winners ever.
Wow! I didn't think they came bigger than those two.

Me and the wife went to a new Thai restaurant last night, we both ordered. When the food came I asked the waitress,
"Have you got any seasoning?"
"Num Prik" she replied
I said "No, my wife's fine, but I'd like some salt."

As usual, I've secured the biggest bargains on deadline day.
A packet of broken biscuits & a barely-expired tin of Lilt for 37p.

I just went to my very first African supermarket.
How stupid am I? For years, I only thought you could only get monkey bars at a kids playground.

I was in the park this morning when i came across this bloke, Head in hands sobbing his heart out,
I said,"You OK mate".
He replied,"I lost my Wife this morning".
I said, "Well never mind mate, I'll help you look for her, I've lost my dog.

I took my first serious girlfriend on a caravan camping trip to Devon last week, we found this really nice spot in a field near the beach.
After a long journey, we both went and sat on the bed.
"I love coming here" I said
"I could tell by the amount of crusty tissues under the pillows" she replied

On my first day at Uni I was just telling my tutor, "I am really interested in planes, and I want to be in the RAF."
He asked, "Have you ever seen an F16?"
I said, "No, what sort of mad computers have you got?"

Sunday Times: Recent developments have shown that the Dursleys have found a figure of 161 million in their bank.

Black men, without an additional 4 inches, you won't impress anybody.
Kids have been seen holding a 32 inch.

Just saw a bloke sucking petrol out of a car through a hose pipe, it made me think
I hope I never get that thirsty.

BBC News: 'Gaddafi's forces given ultimatum'.
What kind of irresponsible nutter would supply that lot with radioactive material?

I said to my wife "today is my day off and I have to enjoy it. So I
bought 3 movie tickets".
"awww.." she replied, "but why three?"
I said "they are for you and your parents"

I called the Drug Advice Bureau and said, "I've just taken some cocaine and need some advice. I can't hardly hear anything now."
"It must be a bad line," she said "Try again later."

"Where's the morning paper?"
"I wrapped some rubbish in it and chucked it in the bin."
"Hey, I wanted to have a look at it!"
"There wasn't much to see. Just potato peelings and and some burnt toast."

I was in a pub with my mate.
I turned to him and said, "I woke up this morning with a raging headache. Have you got any good remedies?"
"For my headaches, my wife is my remedy." he began. "She rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my body, kisses my stomach, and... well, you can guess the rest! In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!"
I said "Sounds great! What time does she get home?"

Two policeman get surrounded by an angry mob in the street.
One of the policeman grabs his radio and shouts, "We're going to need back up."
A voice at the other end went, "Do wop, de-do-de-doody-doo ... "