My friend rang me yesterday, she was in hysterics. She's broken three nails already this week.
I think she needs a new hammer.

Adopt a snow leopard for 3 per month?
What a scam!
Building a cage, habitat and feeding it is going cost far more than that.
How irresponsible are the WWF?
They should stick to the Wrestling arm of their business.

Me and some of my mates were discussing the complexities of American TV series when my wife chipped in and said, "I don't get Lost!"
She's become so arrogant since she bought that Sat Nav.

I saw a teenager injecting himself with something suspicious the other day.
As I was a certified police officer - I went up to the boy, took the syringe away from him and threw him against the bonnet of my car.
"We have a name for people like you," I jeered.
"What is it, diabetic?" He asked.

Jeopardy:
A: Rabbi's
Q: Something you get from a Jewish dog, foaming at the mouth?

I spent yesterday sitting by a giant hole in the ground watching people fall in.
It was strange because by the time they dragged themself out, dazed and confused the only thing they all wanted to know was why I had chalk in my hand.

BBC News: 'Gaddafi's forces given ultimatum'.
What kind of irresponsible nutter would supply that lot with radioactive material?

"Darling I'm knackered! If you want, you can have a chinese on me tonight," said the wife, before falling asleep.
I feel a bit bad eating it all now...
The doctors reckon the burns from the tinfoil containers will take years to disappear from her stomach.

Just saw a bloke sucking petrol out of a car through a hose pipe, it made me think
I hope I never get that thirsty.

Black men, without an additional 4 inches, you won't impress anybody.
Kids have been seen holding a 32 inch.

Sunday Times: Recent developments have shown that the Dursleys have found a figure of 161 million in their bank.

On my first day at Uni I was just telling my tutor, "I am really interested in planes, and I want to be in the RAF."
He asked, "Have you ever seen an F16?"
I said, "No, what sort of mad computers have you got?"

I took my first serious girlfriend on a caravan camping trip to Devon last week, we found this really nice spot in a field near the beach.
After a long journey, we both went and sat on the bed.
"I love coming here" I said
"I could tell by the amount of crusty tissues under the pillows" she replied

I just went to my very first African supermarket.
How stupid am I? For years, I only thought you could only get monkey bars at a kids playground.

My friend & i were walking back from the pub last night, when we saw a fire in Miss Jones kitchen.
"What shall we do?" i panicked
"I'll call the fire brigade, you knock her up!" he replied.
Looking back, it probably wasn't the ideal time to get someone pregnant.

My wife looked up from watching the news and said, "I can't believe that the Queen is getting cosy with a murderer".
"You can't say that", I hissed, "There's no proof that Prince Philip had anything to do with Princess Diana's death."

Gillan and Adrian Bayford are the second biggest lottery winners ever.
Wow! I didn't think they came bigger than those two.

As usual, I've secured the biggest bargains on deadline day.
A packet of broken biscuits & a barely-expired tin of Lilt for 37p.

I was in the park this morning when i came across this bloke, Head in hands sobbing his heart out,
I said,"You OK mate".
He replied,"I lost my Wife this morning".
I said, "Well never mind mate, I'll help you look for her, I've lost my dog.

Me and the wife went to a new Thai restaurant last night, we both ordered. When the food came I asked the waitress,
"Have you got any seasoning?"
"Num Prik" she replied
I said "No, my wife's fine, but I'd like some salt."

I met this hot babe in a club. She was really up for it. We left the club and went down the nearest alley.
"Get yer wedding tackle out!" she cried.
Grey top hat, pinstripe trousers and a dried up carnation, apparently not what she had in mind.

A friend of mine recently told me that women love grey hair. Great, I thought, I've got a few, so as I got ready for a night out, I combed it, and waxed it, and really thought I looked the part.
I didn't pull that night. It appears that nasal hair is a turn off.

My wife said, "It's either me or the golf. You choose."
"That's a bit unfair," I thought.
I like to use my clubs on both.

I was in a packed club last night, when this girl came over and said:
"Fancy a kiss round the back?"
"Brilliant" I said, while dropping my trousers and bending over.

I was on holiday in California last week and I noticed a sign in the toilets that read:
"Please leave this restroom in the same state that you found it".
Idiots. Why would anyone take it to another part of the country?