Two policeman get surrounded by an angry mob in the street.
One of the policeman grabs his radio and shouts, "We're going to need back up."
A voice at the other end went, "Do wop, de-do-de-doody-doo ... "

I was in town with my wife today, she said, "I fancy a Big Mac."
I said, "You'll need an XL one, I don't think a big coat will fit you, chubby."

A friend of mine recently told me that women love grey hair. Great, I thought, I've got a few, so as I got ready for a night out, I combed it, and waxed it, and really thought I looked the part.
I didn't pull that night. It appears that nasal hair is a turn off.

I met this hot babe in a club. She was really up for it. We left the club and went down the nearest alley.
"Get yer wedding tackle out!" she cried.
Grey top hat, pinstripe trousers and a dried up carnation, apparently not what she had in mind.

My wife said, "It's either me or the golf. You choose."
"That's a bit unfair," I thought.
I like to use my clubs on both.

I was in a packed club last night, when this girl came over and said:
"Fancy a kiss round the back?"
"Brilliant" I said, while dropping my trousers and bending over.

I was on holiday in California last week and I noticed a sign in the toilets that read:
"Please leave this restroom in the same state that you found it".
Idiots. Why would anyone take it to another part of the country?

I just gave my girlfriend a bluebell
she suggested a looser condom

My wife and I got into a huge fight yesterday, I had a black eye and a fractured rib and my wife had a concussion.
I don't think we're going to enter the doubles WWE next year.

The missus' birthday is coming up, and she asked me what I was getting her.
"Let's just say you'll be buying a t-shirt with "I <3 NYC" on the front", I said.
She sounded ecstatic!
She's going to love this b&b on the North Yorkshire Coast.

I think I'm finally getting the hang of being a policeman.
Just last week I was stationed at the city mall when a woman came up to me, screaming:
"Officer, I lost my son!"
I calmly put my hand on her shoulder and told her: "I'm sorry to hear that ma'am. Tonight in the pub, I'll drink one in his memory," and walked away.

I just borrowed two grand from one of those 'payday loan' companies at 2700 percent APR.
I'll have the last laugh though; I don't have a job.

My mother used to smack me everytime I wet myself as a toddler.
She said it will help me control my bladder.
But when the reverse happens today I get restrained by the care home workers?

I got thrown out of JJB Sports yesterday.
20% off of head, isn't what I thought.

My remote died, so ordered some AA battery's on this German website.
Last time I order something online, turns out Flak wasn't the brand's name.

The vet said to me "We found out what was wrong with your pig, It seems that he had holes carved in his back which were then filled with money. Luckily we can save him using surgery for roughly one thousand pounds."
I replied smiling "I knew it was a good idea"

"And where do you think you're going?" my boss asked.
"Just off to the toilet."
"With that urgent report still not finished? Please tell me you can pull it off in ten minutes?"
"It won't take that long, I promise. And is tomorrow afternoon OK for that report?"

I went to the cafe this morning but didn't like look of the set menu.
"Can I make my own?" I asked
"Yeah of course love!" She replied
So I barged her out the way and got cooking.

My wife's fed up of her hairy legs, so she's asked me to get her an epilator.
I don't see how someone having a fit is going to help.

My wife and I came home from a night out to find our fifteen year old son fast asleep on the settee.
"Seeing as he's fast asleep, do you want to, you know" my wife winked at me
"brilliant idea, love,what team do you want to be?" i replied while grabbing the xbox pad and putting FIFA on.

Customers at my barber shop think I got my nickname Van Gogh because I'm an artist with a pair of scissors.
It's actually because I once cut someones ear off.

Today I lost a good friend.
We never said much to each other, however we may as well have been joined at the hip. I'll never forget those days where we walked home together - and those sweet words you would whisper in my ear.
R.I.P
Sony MDR - E818LP Acoustic T Turbo Headphones

I stood up in the pub and drunkenly shouted out, " I'm off home to try some auto erotic asphyxiation."
My wife said," Belt up will ya!"
Silly cow, that's not how you do it.

My mate said, "Did you hear farmer Young got trampled by one of his own cows?"
I replied, "Yeah, I was at the funeral today. I even saw the cow at it."
"Oh, how was it then?" He asked
"Delicious, cooked to perfection."

''What's in the bag?'' A policeman asks as I was coming out of Asda.
I said "Peppa, pig".
He said "That's a good dvd, I got it for my kids".
I said "The dvd's Postman Pat".