Walked past a bin yesterday it said
"blue fish only swim in shark infested waters in the winter snow"
It was talking rubbish

When I see an article that shows a celebrity wearing the same outfit twice, I get furious and blow up a hospital

Everytime I almost think humanity will be Okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

Cash Converters:
The modern day Robin Hood.

Today my son taught me some of the maths he is being taught at school...
I think it's safe to say that I have learnt from my mistakes.

I never trust people who smoke... I'm worried they'll lead me ashtray.

A woman would ask, "Does this bag match these shoes?"
While a man would ask, "Does my left shoe match my right shoe?"

Behind every good man, there's a woman, rolling her eyes.

Bring chess into the 21st century by desegregrating the black and white pieces sitting in either side.

Surely this carbon footprint offset malarky should work both ways?
From now on when I send an email I'm going to scrumple a piece of paper up and throw it in the bin. Just doing my bit.

I was in an interview and the guy told me he didn't think I was very 'employable'.
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my second can of Special Brew.

Nothing says "I'm on the minimum wage" like sitting in McDonald's with a high viz jacket on.

Just shaved me head, rolled up the Levi's, zipped up me bomber jacket and laced up me cherry red Dr Martin boots ready for some aggro....
Now Mother says I'm "not allowed out"
Sometimes I don't know why I bovver...

Decided to have botox on xmas eve.. that way no one will know how much I hate the presents they've bought me

Can't wait to tell my girlfriend that despite what she keeps telling me, it turns out I can do more than one thing at a time.
One was blonde and the other a brunette.

My mate said, "We still haven't decided on a name for the baby yet. These things shouldn't be rushed."
I said, "I can certainly understand why you don't want to rush this 'Englebert'."

Just when I thought turning off my wife's life support was the hardest thing ever, a new Angry Birds update comes out.

Having a wife and as of yet, an unborn child. There really is no place like home.
Which is why I stay in the pub.

I decided that I needed to do something to get me out of the house.
So I became a tramp.

I was on a Ryanair flight last week. I know it's a low cost airline, but they've even started cutting back on health and safety.
The stewardess said, "You'll find the emergency exits here, here, and here."
She pointed to the same door three times.

When I was in my early 20's all I wanted was thick hair and a thin wife.
I'm in my 30's now and have got it the other way around.

Thinking of starting up a new screamo band. Going to make it 100% screaming and shouting
with no instruments.
I think I'll call us; Marriage

I'm not usually one for silly marketing gimmicks but whilst in the pub last night I used my 'Track Your Bud' app to trace the origins of the bottle of Budweiser I had just drunk.
It turns out that the guy next to me at the bar had been quite justified punching me in the face for nicking his drink.

I had the worst hangover of my life at work the other day. I've never felt so rough; I spent most of the first hour repeatedly vomiting into a sink.
I'm not allowed to do any more Baptisms for a while.

I'm not saying that my Mum is set in her ways, but when I got her hooked up to the internet the first thing she looked up was teletext.