Terry pratchet said thy writing is the most fun you can have with your hands on your own.
And he clearly still lives with his mum.

Kindle. For those times when turning a thin piece of paper is just asking too much.

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

I was on a Ryanair flight last week. I know it's a low cost airline, but they've even started cutting back on health and safety.
The stewardess said, "You'll find the emergency exits here, here, and here."
She pointed to the same door three times.

When I was in my early 20's all I wanted was thick hair and a thin wife.
I'm in my 30's now and have got it the other way around.

Thinking of starting up a new screamo band. Going to make it 100% screaming and shouting
with no instruments.
I think I'll call us; Marriage

Whenever I see those weekend dads, pushing some screaming brat about in McDonalds, face like thunder, I really wonder how many times they think to themselves...
Was all this really worth 5 or 6 seconds of pleasure?

I'm not usually one for silly marketing gimmicks but whilst in the pub last night I used my 'Track Your Bud' app to trace the origins of the bottle of Budweiser I had just drunk.
It turns out that the guy next to me at the bar had been quite justified punching me in the face for nicking his drink.

I'm not saying that my Mum is set in her ways, but when I got her hooked up to the internet the first thing she looked up was teletext.

Fool people into thinking you're attractive and interesting by setting up your own Facebook page.

A survey has revealed that, if you get together a group of twitter and facebook users, and tell them they should really take a long hard look at themselves in the mirror, 97% will have beaten you to it.

Guarantee waking up early by not eating the night before.

Life is a struggle.
Humans are constantly creating technology that is more idiot proof, the universe is constantly creating better idiots.
Thus far the universe is winning.

I went to the cemetry to look for my name on tombstones. It's the Goth version of Googling yourself.

Kvetch - to complain habitually.
I'd have that written on my headstone, but they'd probably misspell it.

" wish I could grow some pubic hair, so freaking bad!"
Justin Biebers remix of Travis Mcoys recent hit single...

Even my Blackberry battery lasts longer than a relationships these days.

Whenever the window cleaners come, I like to pretend they are intruders scaling the walls, and my house is under attack.
Although pouring boiling tar over them from the balcony was possibly taking it too far

Life would be so much easier, if my sat nav had an "avoid ghetto" setting

At a party in a marquee, more and more people were coming in and the host hardly recognised anyone. So he clapped his hands for attention, and announced: "Let's have some order. First, could everyone from the bride's family please raise their hand?"
Some people put a hand up.
"Right," said the host. "Now, could everybody from the groom's family please raise their hand?"
When various others put their hands up, the host said "Okay - all of you who raised a hand, please leave. This is a birthday party."

My partner never moans at me for leaving the toilet seat up.
I love Steve.

epileptic fits. a great way of breaking awkward silences

I'm going to make some changes in my marriage.
I'm starting with the locks.

Dear Ireland, I realise that we haven't been the best of neighbours over the years but did we really deserve 'Jedward'?! If you take them back and brick them up in an old house, i'll personally look into returning the northern bit of your country too you...... Cheers!

Changing your profile picture to a cartoon character to prevent child abuse is like changing your picture to a treadmill to prevent obesity