I've been on this dating site for years now and not got a single date out of it.
I described myself as an energetic, dominant man who likes astronomy, outdoor pursuits and hunting.
Perhaps I should've used a different name to Night Stalker.....

So few people now buy CD singles that Scotch have managed to score a Top 10 hit with 'Laser Lens Cleaner'.

At the job seeker's interview:
"What job would you really like to do?"
"I have always wanted to be a lollipop man."
"Oh. I'm afraid that is for retired people."
"Not to worry, I can wait."

You can equate how rough an area is by the amount of times you find yourself thinking to yourself,
"Is that her dad or her boyfriend?"

What's the difference between Burberry and a Facebook Comedian?
Burberry uses its own material.

The wife's booking me an appointment with a therapist, to calm my subversive nature.
If she manages to find where I've hidden her phone, laptop, car keys, yellow pages and shoes of course.

I met this bird from New York in the pub this week and I took her out for dinner last night.
I told her I knew this fantastic place that does really authentic native American food.
She wasn't too impressed though.
Apparently they have MacDonalds in the US as well.

I've Always said i will die before im 30.
2012, Don't fail me now

I was walking down the street when I saw about 12 people huddled round this old guy laying on the floor, one of them ran over to me and shouted "please tell me you've got a phone, we need to ring an ambulance or he's going to die!"
I replied "Sorry I haven't" I don't want that many people knowing I have an iPhone.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Dr Bernados, Oxfam and Save The Children for all the good work they do day in day out
I haven't had to purchase any bin liners for at least three years...

I've never quite understood self-help books. If you're looking for self-help, then why would you read a book written by someone else?

People say I'm childish - so what, at the end of the day my dad will still batter their dad.

What do you call a 14 year old chav girl who isn't a mother yet?
Pregnant...

I work for Ro'ya'l' Ma'il.
Before you point out the punctuation errors in this statement, bear in mind that apostrophes can be used to represent missing letters.

anyone else watchin the grizzly man to see if they show him gettin killed in the end?

I went to this club looking for a little bit of skirt for the night, all was going well until Brown Owl appeared.

Dear Ireland, I realise that we haven't been the best of neighbours over the years but did we really deserve 'Jedward'?! If you take them back and brick them up in an old house, i'll personally look into returning the northern bit of your country too you...... Cheers!

Changing your profile picture to a cartoon character to prevent child abuse is like changing your picture to a treadmill to prevent obesity

Parkour: Running away for show-offs

The human hip, used for finding the exact location of the corner of a table.

I've never watched a blu-ray film, but I'd like to know if it spends the first 10 minutes telling you why you should be watching a regular DVD instead?

BBC News: The man who invented the CD has died, aged 81.
Must've been a nasty scratch.

Computers give you the time to do all the things you wouldn't have to do without them.

Three words every man dreads to hear from a women.
There's no bread.

There you go "job seekers" the weekend is finally here, what are you going to do that's different from a weekday apart from not watch jeremy kyle and drink cider?