Busy? In a meeting? Put your phone on silent, so instead of being interrupted by texts, you can be interrupted by constantly checking for texts.

MSN news : White iPhone 4 leaked
apple juice presumably ?

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house quicker than the police.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach his wife to fish and he can spend several hours on the sofa watching Sky Sports.

They say that being on the tube at rush hour is like being in a giant tin of sardines.
Personally i've never had my wallet nicked by a sardine...

There are many bad things that can happen to us in our lives.
We lose people close to us.
We lose our jobs.
We get cheated on by the people we love.
We experience many different feelings in our life times.
But we just get on with it.
The worst feeling imaginable, Is that moment when your index finger pokes through a thin piece of bog roll, mid-wipe.

So doctors want to ban smoking in cars...
What about if we smoke handsfree?

I think Tampax should change their slogan to "From our box, to yours".

My girlfriend bought a new toaster from argos last week. It wasn't working when she got home so she decided to ring the customer helpline.
The guy who answered the phone asked her for the barcode so he could see the product details.
'no problem' she said 'thin line, thin line, thick line...'

Two hipsters walk into a bar you've never heard of...

Lose 3.99 pounds a month by simply buying this magazine

Not saying lawyers nowadays are parasites or anything, but I saw one at the fairground yesterday, handing out whiplash claim forms to people getting off the dodgems.

The BBC are bringing out a new version of Dad's Army which will include a local gypsy traveller family.
Cant wait to see Captain Mainwaring say those immortal words "Dont tell him your name Pikey".

Was watching the adverts for piranha 3d.
It said" there is something in the water".
thought to myself,must be all the paki's after the floods

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies.

My wife said I'm acting like a woman lately,I didn't react to her i just gave her the silent treatment and continued to put on my make up.

I've just quit my job as a submariner.
I was under too much pressure.

Why do hipsters hate zombies?
They preferred them when they were underground.

When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFI, so people visit more often.

I was walking down the street with my girlfriend this morning when I waved to my old school pal Freddy across the road and my girlfriend said, "I thought you didn't like him?"
I replied, "I don't. I'm trying to distract him so he walks into a lamp post."

Saying "I don't know whether I prefer Runescape or World of Warcraft" is like saying "I dont know if I'd rather have no friends due to having Downs or having a contagious disease"

1612: "Oh Charles, I write to inform you I have received your letter and I've been left quite speechless"
2012: "K"

My wife's leaving me because apparently "I just don't get it". Take yesterday for example. She told me I would soon be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet. I was so excited I went straight out and bought a new suit.
Well, it's not everyday Ronnie Corbett comes round for dinner is it?

I update my facebook status using my Blackberry so as people think I am out and have a life.

When having a terrible day, say "I bet it will become worse" that way if it does, at least you can feel good that you were right about something.