I just noticed that my boxers have a label on them that says "part of a set" ... I am a little upset that I didn't get the matching bra ...

I hate tele-sales people, they always find new ways to annoy you. For instance, this week i've been getting loads of calls from a bunch of them just gargling water down the phone at me...
Must be an 'in' joke i suppose.

You'd have thought that Goths would have realised that dressing the same as each other isn't non-conformist.

Typical. It's Jubilee weekend and there's no sign of the reign ending.

Heat magazine... For all the hot gossip on the hottest celebrities.
Sickipedia... For all the sickest jokes on the cold celebrities.

No, I think you'll find Wikipedia copied MY coursework.

This new phone tariff is a bit steep, every time I plug the phone in it tells me it's charging.

My girlfriend recently asked how much I love her.
"I love you more than my mum!"
Joke's on her though, because my mum doesn't love her at all.

The NSPCC profile pic campaign - anyone else think it's gonna backfire when 11 year olds realise it's not actually Pikachu they're agreed to meet through facebook?

It's all well and good people praising Gareth Bale, but has every one forgotten that his mum puts cats in bins?

If Sickipedia was a building, it would be a public toilet, seriously filthy and always out of order!!

My mother-in-laws brand new wheelchair has far too many moving parts for my liking.
Her heart & lungs for example.

Genuinely true: My girlfriend has just been to our local supermarket. When she tried to buy some cigarrettes the woman behind the counter said, "have you got any I.D. love?" My girlfriend said, "I.D.?! You think I'm under 18? These are my 2 children and the oldest is 5!" The woman said, "That doesn't mean anything around here, love. I.D. please."

My girlfriend said I don't pay her enough attention.
It's not my fault she's wears clothes around the house.

Stupidity is not a handicap, park elsewhere

With a slight hesitation, I nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet. She groaned.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, I then inserted three more fingers. Her eyes widened.
"Go on, put your whole hand in," she demanded.
I wanted to please her, so I did what she said: I was really sweating by now but she was getting more and more excited.
"It's no good, you're gonna have to put your other hand in as well" she shouted.
I closed my eyes and thrust forward with my other hand and she let out a scream.
"There you go Dave, it's not that hard to do the washing up is it?" she smiled.

Went round to my girlfriends father last night and asked if I could marry his Daughter
"Ask her Mother" he said
"Nah I would rather marry your Daughter" I said

Human being | (H)yoo man bee ing) |
n.
A creature who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes 'Save Trees' on the same paper.

Why does the government say it is unacceptable to endure a 3 hour delay at Heathrow, but it seems OK on the M6 ?

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? he suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees, and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharpeyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the tannoy.
To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet. We know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

These Boy-bands seem to love their fathers.
Boyzone covered "Father and Son" as a tribute to their Dads...
Westlife performed alongside their Dads on ITV...
And now The Wanted have released a song thanking their Dads for everything...
"Glad you Came".

I bought a new toy for my son yesterday. It's a kind of puzzle that has apparently been designed by psychologists to prepare children for the harsh reality of modern life.
No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I hate conspiracy theorists. I'm sure they're all working together somehow to bring down society.

Studies showed that Mac users are more environmentally friendly than Windows users.
So why does the Mac have a rubbish bin and Windows has a recycling bin?

My granny told me what it used to be like at the seaside. "There was a laughing sailor machine. You put your money in and you didn't win anything or get a refund, it just laughed at you. There's nothing like that these days."
I said, "Yes there is - it's called the lottery."