I finally managed to catch the sun today after years of failing.
The paperboy was so impressed, he gave it to me, for free.

Just been watching Time Team and they found a piece of pot two thousand years old.
Amazing, I can't get mine to last the weekend.

I got held up in traffic last night and arrived home about half an hour later than usual.
By the time I got back the ground floor of my house had already been converted into a Tesco Express.

Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single.

If you want anyone to say something nice about you, then you either have to retire, die or win the lottery.

My tom tom says "Estimated Arrival Time." I hear "Time to Beat."

My girlfriend has just texted both our names to 58888 and she says we're only 78% compatible.
I said, "Hang on. You've just paid 3.50 to be sent a random percentage, ...and you still think we are in any way compatible?"

When I say I laughed out loud, I really mean that I made a kinda loud outward breath through my nostrils, similar to a bull.

Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym.
What a waste of a workout that would have been!

I'd been with my girlfriend for around 3 years, when I finally popped the question.
Why are we still together?

My wife felt me because I'm dyslexic.

It was no good, the judge had made his mind up.
"Please, you don't understand. I have six children and a wife. I can't go back in there, it'll kill me," I pleaded.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," the judge replied, "but you have served your time and you are now a free man."

My wife said we needed to communicate more. I knew she was right...
...so I gave her my email address.

MOBILITY SCOOTER DRIVERS. Attach a string of bananas behind your vehicle for that exciting Mario Kart look.

I can't wait for tonight.
A bunch of my mates are coming over to play on their phones.

My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

Does anybody else become irrationally scared and reluctant to answer calls from a withheld number and then spend half of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted?

We live in strange times.
Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school...

Lighten the mood if you are ever in a car crash by replacing your air-bags with confetti today.

I feel like the people who hand out leaflets are really saying,
"Here, throw this away for me."

I was so angry when my Blackerry stopped working today I was gonna start a riot!
But then I remembered I had a Blackberry, so i couldn't

I've often wondered if the world will be inhabitable in 3039 years time.
I think it'll be 5050.