Why do banks only lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it?

I was really excited about opening a savings account, but once I started taking money out, I just lost interest.

If money is the root of all evil, how come I'm skint?

I've had a real run of luck recently that I just can't explain. It started last week when I won the lottery.
Ever since then I've had no end of girls wanting to sleep with me.
And men. Weird eh?

Finally, my money problems have all gone out the window.
Unusually on the same day as my wife did.

I opened up a business selling trampolines to Eastern Europeans, but it's not going well... the Czechs keep bouncing.

Headline from the Daily Express
'2 Million Pound Benefits for Dad of 10'
Good luck to the guy, but should we be paying these huge amounts of money to somebody his age?

When they want to make an area graffiti proof, why don't they just coat the area with the paper you get on the back of credit cards?
It's the only material in the world that is totally impossible to write on.

I'm not a big fan of Formula 1.
If I wanted to drive round and round aimlessly for obscene amounts of money, I'd have become a London cabbie.

I invested $1000 in some American shares.....
It made a lot of cents.

France are set to be the latest country to be troubled financially, due to the large payout the referee is set to receive.

My family are really poor.
On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

I went to see my bank manager and he said that I am going to have to pay interest.
I tried, but it was so boring.

I took my daughter to school today in my clapped-out old Fiesta.
Looks like I got lucky and managed to avoid the hazardous off-road terrain the other parents obviously had to cross in their vehicles.

What music event has an entry fee of 45 cents?
50 Cent Featuring Nickelback.

I'm one of those people who has the amazing talent of being able to shake my wallet and know exactly how much money is in it.
Because it's empty.

Typical ITV can't even afford the rights to the scoreboard and clock for the whole game

I always leave the price stickers on the presents I buy from the pound shop to show people how little they mean to me.

I think the main reason why homeless people are so poor is because they only ever ask for small change.

I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please."
"OK, with whom though?"
"Whoever has a lot of money."

If we are all gods children, why hasn't the CSA chased him for maintenance?

I've maxed out at the bank and they keep phoning me,
I wish they would just leave me a loan.

An Apache goes into a bank and asks for a loan of 200 dollars. The bank manager asks for collateral:
"I have 150 horses," says the Apache, so the bank manager lends him the money.
A month later, the Apache comes into the bank with 2220 dollars in his hand and pays off his debt with interest.
"Wouldn't you prefer to deposit the rest of your money with us?" asks the bank manager.
The Apache looks at him suspiciously, then looks around the bank:
"How many horses you got?"

Money can't buy happiness... but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari.

Next is lot number 049 - The statue of liberty.
Bidding will start at $8.00