I can't believe I was such a mug in my younger days.
If only I'd taken PPI insurance on all my loans and credit cards, I reckon I'd be a millionaire by now.

I just saved myself a fortune in postage by filling my car up with petrol and delivering the letter myself.

A farmer once told me that manure smells like money.
I said, "Maybe you should keep your wallet in your front pocket."

When they offer you "instant credit", don't they really mean "instant debt"?"

2011 has been a disaster for me so far. I've gone from a pretty decent salary to travelling miles and miles in search of temporary employment. I finally found someone to take me on but it's at more than a 55% pay-cut. On top of all this my Missus has just told me she pregnant again so we've got yet another mouth to feed once it arrives. I honestly don't know how we're gonna cope.
Yep, life really looks bleak in the Beckham household at the moment

I was buying a money printing machine off a mate earlier but we couldn't agree on a price,
He ended up knocking off two hundred quid...

My wife and I have now accepted each other in an intimate way that will make us truly one, but I think I am going to regret it.
We have just got a joint bank account.

After 3 years of saving up my mate is finally driving. I asked him why it took so long to save up since he got the licence, car and insurance in the first 6 months.
"Petrol" he replied.

So, I've been searching for the Yeti for 3 weeks now.
I did originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I went for a more achievable goal.

HSBC have told me that any payments into my account are going to take a few extra days to clear this week because of the jubilee bank holiday.
Which is weird really, because when I called their processing centre in Kuala Lumpur, none of the workers had been told to take a couple of days off.

I hate the useless junk mail my bank keeps sending me.
This morning, I got a paying-in book.

The waiter brought me a floret of broccoli. I said, "sorry, I thought it was 'All You Can Eat' for 3 here."
The waiter replied, "that IS all you can eat for 3 here."

I tried to pay for some stuff in a Liverpudlian newsagents with a twenty pound note.
The cashier said, "Sorry, we don't accept foreign currency."

My wife is getting angry at me because I apparently 'jeopardise our financial security by giving away our PIN number'.
It's ridiculous, I mean, does anyone actually know when the Battle of Hastings was anyway?

Headline: Six million hit by tax errors.
Would it be in bad taste to add holocaust at the end?

Must say, these postal strikes are working in my favour.
The amount of "cash for gold" evenlopes that ive picked up from the depo this week has been well worth popping in to collect.

It's ironic how we show our hatred towards Germany...
...by working our whole life towards collecting pieces of paper with a German lady's picture on it.

Internet connection, 15.
Laptop, 300.
Course in computer programming, 3,000 a year.
Hacking your sister's Facebook to get to her nudes, priceless.
Some things in life, you can't buy, for everything else, there's mastercard.

I was drunk at the casino last night and completely cleared out my bank account.
I was so gutted the next morning because I know I could have spent that ten pounds elsewhere.

According to economists, Apple currently has more money than the American government.
I don't think they've got their statistics quite right there, the old tramp playing the spoons outside Waterloo station currently has more money than the American government.

My wife is always moaning about me never wearing any of my old clothes.
So yesterday I decided to put on a pair of shorts that I hadn't worn for a few years.
It's lucky I did really, I found a 1 note in the pocket.

Whoever said money doesn't make you happy obviously hasn't ever played a game of monopoly

The war on poverty is being lost. It seems that for every Third World country we invade another one pops up.

My wife left me saying that I'm a money waster.
I said "Don't be stupid, we got a 97% love match on Jamster's app."

I've just found a fantastic new way of saving money.
I've killed my wife !